Why Do I Struggle to Set Boundaries?

Understanding Your Personal Boundaries

You might know that you need “better boundaries” without being entirely sure what that means in practice. Perhaps you find yourself saying yes when you would rather say no, feeling guilty when you put your own needs first, taking responsibility for how somebody else feels, or noticing that certain people seem to expect more and more from you.

For others, the difficulty sits at the opposite end. They have become so protective of themselves that closeness, trust or asking for support feels uncomfortable. In both cases, it can be useful to look more closely at what boundaries actually are, how they developed and whether they are still working for you in the way you need them to.

In my counselling work, boundaries are something I regularly explore with clients because they can tell us a great deal about how we relate to ourselves and to other people. They can show where we feel responsible, where we become anxious about disappointing somebody, where we struggle to say no, or where past experiences have led us to protect ourselves more rigidly.

What are personal boundaries?

​When I talk about personal boundaries, I mean the limits we have around what feels okay for us and what does not. That can involve your body and personal space, but also your emotions, beliefs, time, money, energy and how much access other people have to different parts of your life.

Boundaries influence what you are comfortable with, what you are willing to give, what you expect from others and what you are prepared to accept. They also shape how much other people’s needs, emotions or expectations begin to influence your own choices.

Different relationships naturally involve different levels of closeness, connection, trust and responsibility, so boundaries are rarely completely fixed. You might be very open with one person and more guarded with another. You might happily give your time in one situation but need firmer limits somewhere else. What matters is whether those boundaries still feel right for you and whether you notice when they have gradually started to shift.

In that sense, boundaries are something we keep adjusting as relationships and circumstances change. We are continually working out what feels acceptable, what does not, and where our limits need to sit.

Why do I struggle to set boundaries?

When somebody comes to counselling and tells me they are “terrible at boundaries”, I am usually interested in what happens when one of their boundaries gets challenged, or when they need to express it. Do they feel guilty? Do they become anxious that somebody will be angry with them? Do they start explaining themselves at length? Do they worry that saying no makes them selfish, difficult or uncaring?

Our boundaries are present in the background of our relationships at all times without requiring much thought. We tend to notice them more when something shifts, when somebody pushes against one, or when we begin to feel that something we are comfortable with has been overstepped. How we respond at those moments can highlight the relationship we have with ourselves and others, as well as what we have learnt to expect from disagreement, rejection and other people’s reactions.

If you grew up learning that harmony mattered more than disagreement, conflict may now feel particularly uncomfortable. It can be easy to experience going into a conflict as a sign that something has gone badly wrong, when sometimes it simply reflects two different positions coming up against each other that need to be worked through.

Imagine one partner feels they are doing considerably more of the housework than the other. They may have reached a point where something feels unfair, their time or effort feels taken for granted, or a personal limit has gradually been crossed. The other partner may see the situation differently. There is now a conflict between their experiences and expectations, but that alone does not determine what happens next. There is still room to talk, listen, understand what each person is experiencing and work out whether something needs to change.

How threatening conflict feels can influence what happens at that point. One person might become defensive or angry, another might withdraw, somebody else may struggle to say anything, while another may quickly give way in an attempt to restore harmony. Fighting, fleeing, freezing or trying to please can all make sense as ways of responding when disagreement feels threatening, yet they often make it much harder to understand what boundary was being challenged in the first place.

Similar patterns can develop in other ways. If being helpful brought approval and praise, saying no may carry a sense of guilt. If you became used to managing other people’s feelings, you may still feel responsible whenever somebody is disappointed, upset or angry with you.

These patterns can become so familiar that we barely notice them. We agree automatically, adjust ourselves, take on more than we want to, then potentially feel resentful or exhausted afterwards. Sometimes the same patterns can begin appearing across different relationships, even when the people and circumstances change.

Rather than simply asking why you are bad at setting boundaries, it may be more useful to ask what happens when one of your boundaries is knocked. What thoughts, feelings and physical sensations does it bring up for you? What do you expect might happen if you highlight the boundary violation? And what do you usually do next when the conflict begins?

Six types of boundaries worth exploring

One way of understanding your own boundaries is to look at the different areas where they appear. You may feel comfortable and clear in some areas while finding others much harder. In my counselling work, I often find that a little psychoeducation around these six boundaries can bring a sense of relief. Having a word for what is happening can make an internal shift easier to recognise and help someone understand what they are actually trying to protect or preserve.

Physical boundaries
Physical boundaries involve your body, touch, personal space and privacy.

You may be comfortable hugging one person and not another, enjoy physical affection while still needing space at certain times, or feel uncomfortable when somebody stands too close or touches you without asking. A useful question is whether you feel able to notice your own level of comfort and communicate it without feeling that you have to justify yourself.

Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundaries are closely linked with responsibility, but they also involve how emotionally available you are able or willing to be at a particular time.

You can care deeply about somebody and still allow them to feel disappointed, frustrated or upset. You can support another person without taking responsibility for changing how they feel, and you can recognise that somebody needs empathy or reassurance without automatically having the capacity to provide it there and then.

Sometimes another person may want to talk immediately, need a great deal of emotional support, or expect you to remain emotionally available for longer than you can comfortably manage. Their need may be completely genuine, while your limit is genuine too. Problems can begin when we feel that caring about somebody means we must always be ready to absorb, process or respond to what they are feeling.

When emotional boundaries become unclear, another person’s mood or emotional needs can start influencing your decisions. You might change your mind because they are upset, apologise for things that are not yours to carry, make yourself available when you are already emotionally depleted, or feel responsible for keeping the relationship settled. Guilt can become especially powerful here because another person’s discomfort can start to feel like evidence that you have done something wrong.

Intellectual boundaries
Intellectual boundaries involve your thoughts, beliefs, values and opinions, but they can also involve how much access other people have to your thinking and problem-solving capacity.

Some people find themselves changing their views depending on who they are with, particularly when disagreement feels uncomfortable. Others become so protective of their beliefs that being challenged feels threatening.

There is another side to this too. Someone may want your advice, ask you to work through a problem, expect you to make sense of something for them, or draw heavily on your ability to think an issue through. You may normally be happy to do that, but there can still be times when you simply do not have the mental capacity for it.

Being asked to think, analyse or problem-solve is still a demand on you, even when the issue belongs to somebody you care about. Recognising that you do not have the headspace at that moment does not mean their problem is unimportant.

A flexible intellectual boundary allows room for discussion, curiosity and challenge while also recognising that your attention and thinking are resources. You can decide when you are able to engage, how deeply you want to engage, and when you need to step away.

Material boundaries
Material boundaries involve your money, possessions and resources.

They shape what you are willing to lend, give or share and where generosity begins to feel like obligation.

A favour can gradually become an expectation, particularly when you have found it difficult to say no. You might lend money you do not really want to lend, allow somebody to use your belongings because refusing feels awkward, or feel guilty for wanting to protect something that belongs to you.

Time boundaries
Time boundaries involve how available you make yourself and how much of your time other people are able to claim.

This can show up in obvious ways, such as regularly agreeing to plans you do not want, but it can also be subtler. You may answer messages immediately because you feel you should, rearrange your day around somebody else’s needs or find that other people assume you will always be available.

Because time is limited, unclear boundaries around it can lead to resentment surprisingly quickly.

Sexual boundaries
Sexual boundaries concern consent, intimacy, sexual contact and your right to communicate what you do and do not want.

These boundaries remain important within established relationships and can change from one moment to another. Previous consent does not remove the right to change your mind, and being in a relationship does not mean that either person loses ownership of their own body.

These boundaries rely on enough trust and respect for both people to express comfort, uncertainty or refusal without pressure.

Thinking about boundaries as stones around a fire

In my book Life’s Three Fires, I use the image of stones surrounding a fire. The fire represents the Self and all the complexities of being you, while the stones around it represent the boundaries that help protect it.

Boundaries are rarely simply present or absent. Like the stones around a fire, they can be held too loosely, become too rigid, or remain flexible enough to protect the Self while still allowing closeness and connection.

Porous boundaries leave gaps. Other people may gain too much access to your time, emotions, energy or resources, and you may find yourself over-giving or ignoring your own limits. Rigid boundaries protect the fire more strongly, but they can also make closeness, compromise and connection a lot harder.

Flexible boundaries can hold firm when something matters while still adjusting as trust, relationships and circumstances change.

The stones also need looking after. Boundaries can loosen, shift, develop gaps or become more rigid depending on what is happening in our lives. Something that once felt comfortable may no longer feel right, while a boundary that once needed to be firmer may later be able to soften.

This is why boundaries need to be noticed and maintained. The question is not just whether you have boundaries, because we all do, but what condition they are in and whether they are still protecting the Self while allowing meaningful connection with others.

Learning to recognise your boundaries, understand where they feel easy or difficult to hold, and notice when something has shifted is an important part of looking after yourself within relationships. The same awareness should also help us remember that other people have boundaries of their own. When somebody tells us that one of theirs has been crossed, we need to be able to listen with genuine curiosity, understand what has happened from their perspective and consider what might need to change.

There is an ongoing rhythm to this in relationships. We protect what matters to us, listen when something matters to somebody else, and keep adjusting as the relationship develops.

What condition are your boundaries in?

​Once you begin thinking about boundaries as something that needs to be noticed and maintained, the next question is what condition yours are currently in.

Some may feel secure and flexible, while others may have become more porous than you realised. You might know where a limit is but find that it moves quickly when somebody applies pressure, or notice that repeated compromise has gradually made it harder to hold.

Other boundaries may have become more rigid. Perhaps that firmness once felt necessary, but now it makes closeness, trust or accepting support harder than you would like. There may also be areas where you have never really stopped to consider what your limit is at all.

The aim is not to assume that every boundary needs fixing. It is to notice where your boundaries feel balanced, where they are being worn down, and where they may have become more protective than you now need them to be.

Questions to reflect on

It can help to look back across the six types of boundaries and notice where something feels settled and where there is more tension.

• Where do I regularly say yes when I would rather say no?
• Which relationships leave me feeling resentful, pressured or depleted?
• Do I feel responsible for changing how other people feel?
• Am I expected to be emotionally available when I do not have the capacity?
• Do people sometimes rely on me to think through or solve problems when I do not have the headspace?
• Are there situations where I change my views because disagreement feels uncomfortable?
• Who currently has access to my time, money, possessions and energy?
• Which boundaries feel flexible and secure?
• Which ones seem increasingly porous, repeatedly pushed against or difficult to hold?
• Have any boundaries become so rigid that they now make closeness or support harder?
• Have temporary exceptions gradually become permanent expectations?
• Is there a boundary that seems to keep needing attention, and what might that be telling me?

You do not need an immediate answer to all of these. Sometimes noticing where guilt, resentment, discomfort or defensiveness appears is enough to show that one of your stones has shifted and may need some attention.

​What if somebody does not respect my boundaries?

​Sometimes you know exactly where your boundary is, and the difficulty comes from another person’s response towards it.

This can be particularly challenging if you are used to judging whether a boundary is reasonable by how well somebody else accepts it. If they become upset, angry or disappointed, you may quickly start questioning whether you were unfair or wrong in your stance.

Another person’s reaction does not automatically tell you whether the boundary was inappropriate. At the same time, indicating that a boundary has been crossed does not give us control over what somebody else chooses to do. What it gives us is greater clarity about our own position and what we are willing to do when a limit is reached or repeatedly ignored.

How we communicate that boundary also matters. We may recognise that something has been crossed, but if we respond by attacking, withdrawing completely, hinting, becoming sarcastic or giving in immediately, the original boundary can become lost inside the way the conflict is handled. Being able to communicate clearly and assertively gives the other person a better chance of understanding what has happened, what matters to you and what you need to be different.

I explore this in more depth in Understanding Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Communication: How to Set Assertive Boundaries, including how different communication styles can affect the way boundaries are expressed and received.

If somebody continues to push against a boundary you have made clear, there may come a point where repeating yourself is no longer enough. You may need to think about whether their access to you needs to change, whether the relationship needs firmer limits, or whether the relationship itself can continue in the same way.

There is also a responsibility in the other direction. Just as we want our own boundaries to be heard and respected, we need to be able to listen when somebody tells us that one of theirs has been crossed. That does not mean automatically agreeing with everything they say, but it does mean taking their experience seriously enough to understand what has happened and consider whether something needs to change.

Tending your boundaries

Understanding your boundaries is really part of understanding how you relate to yourself and to other people. It helps you notice what matters to you, what feels uncomfortable, what you are willing to give, and where something has started to ask more of you than you can comfortably offer.

The aim is not to create perfect boundaries or to become more guarded. It is to become more aware of what happens when one of your boundaries is challenged, how you respond when that happens, and whether the way you protect yourself still fits the person and relationships you have now.

There will always be some movement in this. Relationships deepen, circumstances change, trust grows and is sometimes damaged, and our own needs shift as well. Paying attention to those changes gives us a better chance of responding thoughtfully rather than only noticing a boundary once resentment, exhaustion or intense conflict has already built.

It is also important to remember that boundaries work in both directions. We need to be able to recognise and communicate our own limits, while also listening when somebody else tells us that one of theirs has been crossed.

Perhaps that is the simplest way to think about the stones around the Self Fire. They are there to protect something important, but they are also part of how we remain close enough to other people to build relationships that feel respectful, sustainable and genuinely shared.

George Fortune Counselling 
Humanistic counsellor
Author: Life's Three Fires