Why am i struggling with My Children Growing Up? A Parent’s Guide to Coping With Change

 As children grow up, whether changing schools, moving to college or university, work, or simply getting older and beginning to live more independently, many parents feel an unexpected sense of loss. This isn’t just about an empty bedroom. It is about a profound shift in daily life, purpose and identity.

If you find yourself typing things like:

“I feel lost now my child has moved out”
“Why am I struggling with my child going to university?”
“Am I a bad parent for missing them so much?”
"Will they be safe!?"
"They're growing up so quickly!"

…you are not alone. Many parents feel guilt or shame for struggling at a time when they thought they would feel only pride. But from a psychological perspective, this is entirely normal and worth taking seriously.

Humanistic psychology reminds us that feelings like sadness, loss or even envy are not signs of weakness. They are signs of a meaningful bond and a significant life transition that deserves to be recognised.


Grief and Loss: The hidden, mourning as children grow
When a child leaves home, parents often experience a type of grief that is easy to overlook. There is no funeral, no clear social ritual to mark the loss, but something deeply important has changed. Psychologists refer to this as 'disenfranchised grief', grief that does not always receive the acknowledgement or support it needs.

The quiet of the house can feel unnerving. Many parents describe what is sometimes called 'domestic sensory deprivation', the sudden loss of everyday noise that once anchored family life. The clatter of keys, the sound of doors opening, or music drifting down the stairs were small reassurances that you were needed and connected.

Humanistic theory encourages us to sit with this grief rather than push it away. According to Carl Rogers (a founder of humanistic psychology), being honest about what we feel, even when it is uncomfortable, allows us to live more authentically. Denying the sadness can make it heavier; acknowledging it can help us process and adapt.

Attachment and why letting go can hurt so much
Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, can help explain why this shift can feel so painful. The bond you form with your child is not just emotional, it is biological and psychological too. From their earliest days, you have been attuned to their needs, worries and milestones. This attachment gave them safety and you a clear sense of purpose. When they begin to live more independently, that daily closeness changes, and with this your attachment to each other may need to shift.

This is often why parents can feel an ache in the quiet moments or struggle with a sense of emptiness when routines disappear. It does not immediately indicate overdependence or weakness, but can be a sign that the bond has been strong and meaningful. The task now is not to sever this attachment, but to securely adapt it. Where once you offered constant physical care and guidance, now you offer trust, space and emotional connection in a new form. Letting go a little does not mean fully letting go of the connection and therefore loss. It means trusting that the roots you have grown together can support your child as they take their next steps, and that your bond can find new ways to stay alive and supportive, even from afar.


Identity: Who am I now?
One of the most challenging parts of this transition is the impact on your sense of self. For years, maybe decades, parenting shaped your daily life, giving it focus and purpose. When that role changes, it can leave a void.

Psychologists call this an 'identity crisis', but that word ‘crisis’ is not always negative. Rogers saw this as an opportunity to grow. When the old roles fall away, you can begin to ask who you are underneath them. Existential psychologist Rollo May wrote that "freedom is rooted in uncertainty". Feeling adrift means you are at the threshold of something new, not that you have failed. 

Some parents discover forgotten parts of themselves, old passions, or even new directions for their work or relationships. This is also a wonderful time to notice what meaningful opportunities you can carry forward in your life. Parenting does not stop because your child is older; it evolves, and you will need to find a way to embrace and move with it. 


Common worries: Am I doing this wrong?
It’s common for parents to feel guilty or question themselves when they find this transition so difficult. Many worry that missing their child so deeply must mean they did something wrong, that perhaps they made their child too dependent, or became too wrapped up in the parenting role.

They do not make you a “bad parent”; they may reveal the strength of your bond and the value you’ve placed on family life. As a humanistic counsellor, we would look to finding a way to fully accept these feelings, without judging them, believing that this is the first step towards living more authentically in this new stage.

Some parents notice they remain on high alert for their child’s well-being long after they’ve moved out, a parental hypervigilance. You might catch yourself worrying about what they’re eating, their friendships, how they’re coping with deadlines or whether they’re safe. This is understandable, but it can drain your energy and leave you feeling stuck in worry mode. It can lead to catastrophised thinking or other cognitive distortions that lead you to seek reassurance from your child, which in turn can leave them feeling smothered and wanting more distance.

It can help to ask yourself: "Is this worry helpful right now, or is it just a habit of being their parent?" Talking this through with someone you trust, writing your thoughts down, or working with a counsellor can help you separate normal care and concern from the kind of worry that no longer serves you, and find a more balanced way to stay connected without carrying every responsibility alone.


Changing how you communicate: From parent to supportive adult
One of the biggest challenges during this stage is learning how to stay close to your child without stepping back into an old parenting pattern that no longer fits.

Humanistic counselling has a key focus on congruence, a state of being genuine and transparent, which we believe is a key to healthy relationships. Instead of pretending you are fine if you are not, it can help to share your feelings honestly. For example, saying, “I feel sad that we can't see each other a much, and I miss our chats, but I’m really proud of you and the journey you're on”. It creates space for a real, authentic, adult connection. That, if delivered openly and transparently, will give the best chance to be heard as you intended it too. Whilst a slightly different topic, I wrote a blog on 'Understanding Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Communication' that may help with clarifying this way of communicating.

Transactional Analysis (TA) also offers extra tools to understand these shifts. In TA, they often talk about the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) ego states. When children are younger, communication naturally sits into a Parent-Child pattern, to ensure that children learn to adapt to the environment around them. As they grow, staying stuck in that dynamic can cause a lot of tension. The goal is to move more into Adult-Adult communication, where both sides can share thoughts and feelings openly and respectfully, typically using I statements that create a sense of ownership. 

TA also describes a psychological game called "the Drama Triangle",  a pattern where people switch between the roles of Rescuer, Victim and Persecutor. Parents sometimes get stuck in the Rescuer, offering help and advice even when it is not asked for. This can lead to conflict if the young adult feels smothered, pushing back against this (or Persecuting), leaving the parent feeling rejected (Victim). We often draw the triangle upside down, with the victim at the bottom, because everyone playing the game will eventually feel like the victim.

Being aware of this can help you step out of the triangle. If you notice yourself wanting to rescue, pause and ask: "Is this about my need to feel needed, or what they actually want?" If your child comes to you upset, resist slipping into a fix-it (Rescuer) role straight away. Listening as an equal adult is far more supportive. Also, this isn't all on us parents! Our children may like you being their rescuer, meaning that they fall into the victim position very easily. This too needs to be managed with compassion, patience and an adult-adult interaction. 

If you'd like to read more on the drama triangle, here's a blog post I wrote: 'Understanding the Drama Triangle and the Winner’s Triangle: A humanistic approach to healthier relationships'.

Combining Carl Rogers’ idea of congruence and authentic self with TA’s Adult-Adult communication can help you build a new, more balanced relationship with your grown-up child, one based on mutual respect, honesty, love and autonomy.


Reconnecting with yourself: Life beyond parenting
When the family routine changes, the quiet can feel overwhelming at first. But in time, this space can become an opportunity for growth and renewal.

Some psychologists and counsellors describe this as a chance for post-parental growth. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests that once safety and belonging are secure, people can begin to turn towards self-actualisation, a search for new meaning and purpose.

This could mean rediscovering hobbies, exploring new work opportunities, deepening friendships or strengthening your relationship with your partner. It can also mean simply allowing yourself to rest and reflect.

Give yourself permission not to have all the answers yet. Often, the first step is to notice what you miss, what you want and what you are curious about.

If you feel unsure where to begin, these questions can help:

"What do I miss most about daily life with my child at home?"
"Which parts of my life did I put on hold while raising them?"
"Who am I now, beyond my parenting role?"
"How can I show love and pride without stepping into old Parent-Child patterns?"
"What would I like this next phase of my life to look like?"

Journalling, therapy or talking these through with a trusted friend can help you begin to find your own answers.


Final Thoughts
If you feel lost, sad or unsure at this stage, you are not failing. You are facing a real transition that touches your identity, purpose and daily life.

Humanistic psychology reminds us that the “good life” is not about avoiding uncomfortable feelings, but about facing them honestly and using them to grow. As Rollo May said, freedom often begins with uncertainty.

It is normal to grieve the end of one stage while feeling hopeful for the next. By recognising your feelings, communicating openly and staying curious about what comes next, you are doing the vital work of growing alongside your child, not just watching them grow.

You are not alone, and you are not a bad parent for feeling this way. You are simply human. And that is more than enough!

George Fortune Counselling