Triggered or True? Navigating Emotional Reactions and Responsibility

Let’s face it.. we all have moments when emotions get the better of us. Maybe someone says something that stings, or you feel shut down in a conversation, and suddenly you’re spiralling. The question is: who’s really responsible for how we feel?

The truth sits somewhere between how we’re spoken to, and how we manage our inner world. This blog’s all about emotional regulation, taking offence, and the gentle art of setting boundaries, through both a cognitive behavioural and humanistic lens.

What Is Emotional Regulation, Really?
Emotional regulation is the ability to understand, manage, and respond to your emotional experiences in a healthy and constructive way. In CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), we often talk about identifying triggers, recognising the thoughts behind emotional reactions, and developing strategies like deep breathing, reframing, or grounding to regain balance.

But from a humanistic counselling perspective, emotional regulation isn’t just about control, it’s about awareness. It’s being present with your feelings without judgement. Carl Rogers, founder of person-centred therapy, spoke about creating a space where we can experience ourselves fully, with compassion rather than criticism.

The goal isn’t to suppress emotions or pretend they’re not there. It’s to recognise them as valid and then choose how to respond in alignment with who you are and what matters to you. Emotional regulation, then, becomes an act of integrity, managing your reactions in a way that honours your needs and your values.

You might feel triggered and that’s okay. But you still have choices about what happens next.

Taking Offence: A Reaction or a Boundary Signal?
Sometimes we feel offended. It's natural. But the next step is key, do we stay stuck in the feeling, or use it as information?

Taking offence can feel sharp, visceral and like a reflex. In a world that’s increasingly quick to call out, shut down, or cancel, it’s important to ask: what’s really happening here?

• Sometimes, feeling offended is about our own unmet needs, old wounds, or personal insecurities that have been touched, even unintentionally.

 

• Other times, it's a signal that a boundary has been crossed,  emotionally, intellectually, or relationally, and that your sense of self or safety has been disrupted.

This is where emotional regulation and self-awareness come in. In CBT, we’d pause and explore the internal narrative:

“What thought just ran through my mind? What belief was triggered?”

Maybe the offence was tied to a core belief like “I’m not respected” or “I don’t belong.” That insight helps separate reaction from reality.

In humanistic therapy, we might instead ask, “What part of you is hurting right now?”, bringing a gentler, more compassionate presence to the experience. We look beneath the surface to uncover whether the offence is rooted in shame, grief, fear, or the longing to feel heard or valued. The key is presence, not judgement.

So, Who’s Responsible for What?
Emotions are contagious. So are pitch/tone, body language, and unconscious projections can all influence our emotional state. But even when feelings are flying and wires are crossed, it’s important to slow the whole thing down and ask: “What part of this is mine to own?”
Here’s a clearer breakdown:

Your Responsibility:

• Managing your emotions: Your emotional responses are within your control, and it’s up to you to manage how you react. You can pause, reflect, and choose how to respond to a trigger, rather than reacting impulsively.

 

• Setting boundaries: It’s your job to set clear and healthy boundaries with others, ensuring that your emotional, physical, and intellectual needs are respected.

 

• Choosing your response: How you respond to situations, including how you regulate your emotions, is your responsibility. Whether you use calming techniques or decide to step away from a heated conversation, it’s up to you.

 

• Self-awareness: Understanding your triggers, emotional reactions, and underlying beliefs is your responsibility. This insight can help you respond more intentionally.

 

• Clarifying your needs: It’s your responsibility to communicate your emotional needs clearly, especially when you're feeling impacted or triggered.

Other Person’s Responsibility:

• How they communicate: The other person is responsible for how they deliver their message. If their words or actions are harsh or inappropriate, that’s on them.

 

• Respecting boundaries: Others must respect the boundaries you’ve set. If they cross a line, they’re responsible for that violation.

 

• Their actions or behaviour: While you’re in control of how you respond, the other person is responsible for their actions. If they act aggressively or insensitively, they need to take accountability for that.

 

• Listening and understanding: The other person should listen to your needs, acknowledge your emotional state, and respond with empathy and respect.

Your Side of the Street
You can’t stop emotions from rising, but you can choose what you do with them. Emotional regulation isn’t about being unbothered; it’s about being in charge of your inner world, even when things feel chaotic.

That might mean:

• Pressing pause instead of snapping back.
• Asking yourself “What is this reminding me of?” before reacting.
• Naming a boundary rather than ghosting someone.
• Journaling, talking to a counsellor, or taking a walk to process, instead of projecting it outward

And if you’ve lashed out, gone silent, or misread something? Owning that matters too. Responsibility doesn’t mean blame, it means having response-ability.

Their Side of the Street
Other people are responsible for how they deliver their thoughts, opinions, and feelings. If someone comes at you with sarcasm, aggression, or condescension, that’s on them. If they ignore your boundaries or mock your emotions, that’s not your emotional failure, it’s theirs.

Someone might not intend harm, but the impact still matters. And if they care, they’ll want to hear you out, not gaslight you, shift the blame, or make it about their discomfort.

You don’t have to regulate your response to protect someone from the natural consequences of their behaviour.

But What About Grey Areas?
As we all know, it’s rarely black and white. Maybe their tone was sharp, but you were already activated from something that happened earlier. Maybe you’re over-apologising for expressing a valid need, or feeling guilty for being offended even when something genuinely crossed a line.

This is where nuance matters. Humanistic therapy reminds us we’re complex beings, full of past experiences, unconscious fears, and deep needs for connection and safety. CBT helps us untangle what's thought, what's fact, and what's feeling.

In the overlap, we find this truth: you are not responsible for everything,  but you are responsible for your part. That’s how trust is built. That’s how boundaries get respected. And that’s how emotional safety is created, not just for you, but for everyone you’re in relationship with.

So, what do you do with that feeling?
Rather than jumping to blame or shame, either inwardly or outwardly, you can:

• Pause and reflect: Is this about what was said, how it was said, or what it reminded you of?
• Acknowledge your feelings: Even if you’re not sure they’re “justified,” they’re real, and that matters.
• Be curious, not reactive: What’s the need underneath the offence? Is it to be respected, understood, protected?
• Communicate assertively: if it’s safe and appropriate, not to accuse, but to bring clarity and mutual understanding.

Offence doesn’t have to lead to conflict. It can lead to connection, if it’s processed with awareness and expressed with respect.

Feeling offended doesn’t always mean someone’s done something wrong. But it always means there’s something inside you worth listening to.

It might be an opportunity to set a boundary, share a vulnerability, or heal something deeper. Or, it might simply be a moment to regulate, recalibrate, and return to the present, with more understanding of yourself than before.

In the wider context of relational dynamics, taking offence can also point to mismatched expectations, unspoken needs, or cultural or emotional blind spots. The feeling itself is valid, but how you make meaning of it, and what you choose to do with it, is where growth lives.

Bringing It All Together

• Managing emotions doesn’t mean bottling them up, it means tending to them with awareness and care.
• Setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s how we protect what’s sacred to us, and how we teach others to treat us.
• Feeling offended isn’t a flaw, it’s a signpost. It may point to an old wound, a hidden value, or a moment that deserves more attention.
• Healthy communication isn’t about being right, it’s about being real and authentic, even when it’s hard.

Emotional regulation is a practice, not a performance. You don’t have to get it “right” every time. You just need to notice, pause, and choose, even if that choice is simply to come back to the conversation later, with a clearer heart.

When we learn to slow down and sit with our emotions, not push them away or let them spill out unchecked, we start to build trust within ourselves. From that place, boundaries become clearer, conversations become braver, and relationships become more nourishing.

It’s not always easy. Some days you’ll nail it; other days you’ll miss the mark. But every moment is an opportunity to come back to yourself, to take ownership without shame, and to express what’s true with kindness and courage.

Because the real goal isn’t emotional perfection, it’s emotional presence.
So next time you feel the heat rise, or the sting of offence, or the urge to run or rage, breathe. Ask yourself what’s yours to hold, what needs to be said, and how you can stay anchored in your values.

And remember: you’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to have feelings. And you’re allowed to protect your peace while still staying open to connection. That’s the heart of regulation, of boundaries, and of honest, human communication.

If you feel this is an area of difficulty for you and would like to explore this further, feel free to reach out and get in touch! 

George Fortune Counselling
Humanistic Counsellor in Weston-super-Mare