Navigating Boundaries and Building Security: Overcoming the Impact of Overbearing Parents

Growing up with parents who routinely disregarded boundaries can lead to lasting effects that often follow us into adulthood. Boundaries - whether physical, emotional, intellectual, material (our possessions) or time - are essential for developing a sense of self and independence. When these boundaries are violated, it can leave us feeling insecure, struggling to assert our needs, or even feeling lost in our relationships. If the very people who instilled these issues are our parents, cultivating a secure and assertive self can feel particularly challenging.

In this blog, we’ll explore the impact of boundary violations during childhood, how these patterns can influence us as adults, and ways to rebuild confidence and healthy assertiveness. Through self-awareness and personal growth, we can work towards a secure sense of self, even if we grew up in an environment where boundaries were often disregarded.

Understanding the impact of boundary violations

Children rely on their parents to model what healthy boundaries look like. Boundaries provide a safe space for individuality, allowing children to explore their identities without fear of judgement, overreach, or control. When parents ignore, disrespect, or blur boundaries, children are left without a clear sense of what is acceptable, leading to confusion and insecurity. Here are some common ways in which parents may violate boundaries, and the lasting effects this can have:

1. Invasion of privacy
Parents who constantly monitor or intrude upon their child’s personal space can leave them feeling that they have no right to privacy. As adults, these individuals may struggle to set or enforce boundaries with others, fearing judgement or rejection.

2. Over-control
Overly controlling parents who dictate their child’s decisions - from friendships to hobbies - can inhibit a child’s autonomy. This leads to self-doubt and a fear of making independent choices.

3. Emotional enmeshment
Parents who use their child as an emotional support system, or are overly involved in their child’s emotional life, create a sense of enmeshment. This can result in blurred emotional boundaries and difficulty distinguishing one’s own feelings from others.

4. Dismissal of personal needs
If parents consistently dismiss or minimise a child’s needs, the child may grow up feeling unworthy or afraid to assert their needs, leading to low self-worth and a tendency to prioritise others at their own expense.

These patterns can result in a range of challenges in adulthood, including people-pleasing behaviours, difficulty saying “no,” fear of conflict, and a general sense of insecurity in relationships.



Rebuilding security and assertiveness as an adult

Building a secure and assertive sense of self when boundaries were not respected in childhood takes time, patience, and self-compassion. Here are some steps to help reclaim your sense of self and establish healthy boundaries as an adult.

1. Recognise boundary patterns

Self-awareness is the first step to change. Take time to reflect on your boundary patterns. Ask yourself:

- Do I tend to say “yes” when I want to say “no”?
- Do I feel guilty or anxious when setting a boundary?
- Do I often feel that my needs don’t matter?

Identifying these tendencies can help you understand how past boundary violations may still influence your behaviour. Journaling about specific situations where you felt uncomfortable or pressured can be insightful for recognising recurring themes.

2. Practise self-validation

Growing up with boundary-challenging parents often means receiving little validation for your feelings or decisions. Reclaiming self-worth involves learning to validate yourself. Affirm your own emotions and choices by reminding yourself:

- “My needs are just as important as anyone else’s.”
- “It’s okay to prioritise my well-being.”
- “I deserve respect, even if others disagree.”

This practice of self-validation builds inner security and lessens the need for external approval, often sought by those who grew up with dismissive or controlling parents.

3. Start with small boundaries

Setting boundaries may feel daunting, especially if it was discouraged or punished in childhood. Start by setting small, manageable boundaries in less intimidating situations, such as with colleagues or acquaintances. Practising small boundaries helps build confidence and reinforces that you have the right to set limits.

For example:

- Politely decline an invitation if you’re feeling tired rather than forcing yourself to go out.
- Speak up if a conversation makes you uncomfortable.
- Set boundaries around your time, like not answering work emails after hours.

As these small steps reinforce your sense of agency, you can gradually work toward setting firmer boundaries in more challenging relationships.

4. Cultivate assertiveness through mindful communication

Assertiveness doesn’t mean aggression; rather, it’s about expressing your needs respectfully and clearly. To practise assertiveness, try these techniques:

- Use “I” Statements: When expressing a boundary, focus on your own experience rather than blaming others. For example, “I need some quiet time in the evening to recharge,” is more effective than, “You’re always making noise.”

- Be Direct and Concise: Communicate your needs clearly without over-explaining or apologising. This shows confidence and reduces the likelihood of misunderstanding.

- Acknowledge Your Emotions: If setting a boundary feels difficult, be honest about it. For instance, “I feel a bit nervous saying this, but I need some time for myself this weekend,” lets others know you’re serious about your needs while acknowledging your feelings.

5. Let go of guilt and people-pleasing

If you’ve grown up with parents who violated your boundaries, you might feel guilt when asserting your needs. Remember that prioritising yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary for well-being. Combat guilt by reminding yourself:

- “Taking care of myself is necessary, not selfish.”
- “I’m not responsible for everyone’s happiness.”
- “Setting boundaries makes my relationships healthier, not weaker.”

Letting go of people-pleasing is a gradual process, but by practising self-compassion and reminding yourself of your worth, you’ll start to feel more at ease setting boundaries without guilt.



Building a secure sense of Self

Boundary violations can leave us questioning our worth and fearing that asserting ourselves will lead to rejection. But with commitment and self-reflection, we can rebuild security and confidence. Here are some additional strategies for strengthening your sense of self:

- Explore your own values 
Discover what truly matters to you rather than what others have imposed. Define your values around relationships, career, and self-care, and allow these to guide your decisions.

- Spend time alone
Engage in activities that allow you to reconnect with yourself, like journaling, meditation, or spending time in nature. Solitude can help you better understand your own thoughts and feelings.

- Seek support
Consider working with a counsellor, especially one who specialises in humanistic therapy or transactional analysis. Counselling can help you process unresolved emotions from your upbringing, build assertiveness, and provide guidance on setting healthy boundaries.

- Acknowledge progress
Rewiring deeply ingrained patterns takes time. Acknowledge your growth, no matter how small. Celebrate moments when you successfully set a boundary or felt more confident asserting your needs.


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Final Thoughts: Reclaiming your autonomy

Growing up with boundary-challenging parents can leave deep-rooted patterns that affect adult relationships and self-perception. But through patience, self-awareness, and mindful boundary-setting, it’s possible to break these patterns and build a secure and assertive sense of self. By recognising your worth, validating your feelings, and setting clear boundaries, you’re reclaiming the autonomy that may have been overlooked in childhood.

Building assertiveness and security is a journey, but each boundary you set creates a stronger foundation for authentic relationships and a more empowered self. Remember, the act of prioritising yourself and your well-being is a powerful step towards healing and growth. With time, practice, and self-compassion, you can create a life that honours your needs and respects your boundaries.