Loss, Grief, and finding your way through

Grief isn’t just about death; it’s a universal experience that we all face in various forms. Whether it’s the end of a relationship, the loss of a job, a shift in your identity, or the passing of a loved one, loss can make us feel as if the ground beneath us is shaking. It’s as if everything we once knew, or held dear, is suddenly slipping away, leaving us struggling to find our way. But grief doesn’t have to be a journey you go on alone, and with the right support, it’s possible to navigate through it, eventually finding peace and a new sense of self.

As a humanistic counsellor, I view grief as a deeply personal process of adjustment. It’s about re-learning how to be in the world, how to feel whole again after something or someone that you were attached to is no longer a part of your life. In this blog, we’re going to explore grief from a broader perspective, look at how attachment styles influence how we grieve, and offer practical ways to navigate through loss, no matter the form it takes.

Understanding grief: It's more than just sadness
When we talk about grief, it’s easy to think of it only in terms of death, after all, that’s when the word is most commonly used. But grief is much broader than that. It can be triggered by any form of loss: a relationship, a career, your health, or even your sense of self.

For example, let’s say you’ve just gone through a breakup. You might not just be mourning the person but also the life you thought you’d have with them. The routines, the future plans, the sense of connection, all of that can suddenly feel lost, and the grief can feel just as deep as it would after a death. Similarly, losing a job, or even just your idea of what your career meant to you, can cause grief because of the attachment to that part of your identity. Or imagine a shift in your health: you grieve the loss of the person you were before, the person who was capable of doing certain things without thinking twice.

There are many great models of grief and loss out there, such as Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief or William Worden’s tasks of mourning. These models offer valuable insights into the grieving process, but my favourite has always been Colin Murray Parkes' phases of grief. I find his model to be the most aligned with both my personal experiences and the humanistic counselling approach I work from. In Parkes' view, grief isn’t just a linear progression; it’s a complex, fluid process that looks different for everyone. This resonates with me deeply as a humanistic counsellor, where the individual’s personal experience and subjective world are always at the forefront of our work together.

As Parkes discusses in "Grief: The Healing of Sorrows" (2013), grief is a process, not an event, and it doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a mixture of emotions that come and go in waves, with no set timeline. Here’s how Parkes outlines the phases of grief:

Shock and numbness
When you first experience a loss, it can feel surreal, almost as if you’re detached from reality. You might feel like you're going through the motions but not really "feeling" anything. For example, after a sudden death or unexpected change, you might find yourself going about your day as if nothing’s happened. It's as if your brain is protecting you from the full impact. Some people even expect things to return to normal, only to realise, as time goes on, that things will never be quite the same.

Disorganisation and dispair
Once the initial shock fades, the realisation of the loss can feel overwhelming. The sadness may hit you hard, and you might find yourself questioning everything around you. If it’s the death of a loved one, you might feel lost without them. With a breakup, it might feel as though your entire future is up in the air, uncertain and unclear. At this stage, it’s perfectly normal to feel as though you’re drowning in despair, struggling to find meaning in the world around you.

Yearning and searching
As time goes on, the longing for what was lost becomes more pronounced. In this phase, you might constantly think about the person you lost, replaying memories or conversations. You might wish for one more chance to speak to them or wish things could go back to how they were. Some people experience deep regret, wishing they’d acted differently in the relationship or the situation. It’s common to search for some sort of meaning in the loss, trying to understand what it all means.

Reorganisation and recovery
Eventually, you begin to adjust. This doesn’t mean the grief is gone, but rather, you start to rebuild. You might find moments of joy, even if fleeting. You begin to incorporate the loss into your life, realising that while you can’t undo the loss, you can adapt to life without it. You find a new sense of normal, one that acknowledges the loss but also allows you to look ahead with hope.


How Attachment Styles shape our Grief
How we grieve can be influenced by how we form attachments to others. These attachment styles are developed early in life and can affect how we respond to loss later on. The research by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth on attachment theory has been instrumental in understanding these patterns. Bowlby, in particular, believed that our early attachment experiences with caregivers shape how we form relationships throughout our lives, including how we cope with loss. Mary Ainsworth’s work expanded on this by identifying different attachment styles through her research on infant-caregiver relationships.

In attachment theory, the way we bond with others as children influences how we process grief as adults. By understanding your attachment style, you can gain insight into why you might react to grief the way you do, and find healthier ways of coping.

If you’re interested in diving deeper into attachment theory, I recommend the book "Attachment in Psychotherapy" by David J. Wallin. Wallin beautifully explores how the principles of attachment theory influence emotional development and provide a framework for understanding grief and relationships throughout life.

Here’s a breakdown of the different attachment styles and how they impact the grieving process:

Secure attachment
If you have a secure attachment style, you likely find it easier to express your emotions and lean on others for support during times of grief. You can feel your sadness deeply, but you trust that, over time, things will get better. In the face of loss, you might find yourself able to ask for help, talk openly about your feelings, and find comfort in the support of others. For example, after a loss, you might cry with a friend or reach out for professional support and feel reassured that healing is possible.

Anxious-preoccupied attachment
If your attachment style is anxious-preoccupied, you might feel a constant need for reassurance and fear abandonment. During grief, this could mean you struggle with feelings of desperation, longing, and ruminating on past actions. For example, after a breakup, you may find yourself endlessly analysing what went wrong or overthinking every little interaction. You may seek reassurance from others that you’ll be okay, but still feel overwhelmed with doubt and insecurity.

Avoidant-dismissive attachment
If you have an avoidant-dismissive attachment style, you might find it difficult to process your emotions or reach out for support. You may try to avoid thinking about the loss altogether, suppressing your feelings in an effort to maintain control. For instance, after a job loss, you might bury yourself in work or distract yourself with activities to avoid confronting the emotional pain. While this may seem like a way to cope and look secure, these feelings can resurface unexpectedly, creating emotional distance and disconnection from others.

Fearful-avoidant attachment
The fearful-avoidant style combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies. You may long for closeness but simultaneously fear vulnerability. During grief, this can lead to a push-pull dynamic where you want support but also feel hesitant or even fearful about getting too close to others. After a major loss, such as a death or breakup, you might push people away when you need them most, and later find yourself feeling isolated and uncertain about how to process the grief.

Understanding your attachment style helps you to recognise patterns in your grief and take steps toward healing. It can also help you develop healthier ways to process your emotions and ask for the support you need.


Finding you way through
While grief can be overwhelming, it’s important to remember that you don’t have to face it alone. Healing is a process, and there are steps you can take to help yourself find your way through it.

Acknowledge your feelings
Grief is not something you can "get over" quickly. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Whether you feel numb, sad, angry, or confused, honour those feelings. The more you allow yourself to sit with your grief, the easier it will be to process and understand.

Engage in self-care
Taking care of your physical health is just as important as looking after your emotional well-being during grief. Eat regular meals, get enough sleep, and try to move your body in ways that feel good to you. Small acts of self-care can help you feel grounded and more connected to your strength.

Create new routines
Losing something important can feel like your whole world has been turned upside down. Creating new routines, even small ones, can help re-establish a sense of normalcy. Whether it’s a new hobby, a different work schedule, or simply taking a walk every day, having some structure can help ease the transition into a new phase of life.

Talk about it
You don’t need to go through grief alone. Talking with others, whether friends, family, or a therapist, can help you feel supported. If you’re not ready to speak face-to-face, journaling or even sending a message to a loved one can be helpful. Don’t hesitate to reach out for help if you need it. It’s okay to ask for support.

Give yourself time
Healing from grief is not a race. There is no set timeline for when you should "move on." It’s okay to take your time, to go through the highs and lows of grief, and to allow yourself the space to heal at your own pace.

Grief is never easy, but through patience and self-compassion, healing is possible. If you’re struggling with grief, know that you don’t have to go through it alone. Therapy or counselling can provide the support and guidance you need during this time. You can learn more about coping strategies and emotional support in the [Useful Resources](https://www.georgefortunecounselling.co.uk/useful-resources.html) section of my website. Remember, healing takes time and you’re not alone in this journey.