Building Self-Esteem: Strategies for Growth and Actualisation

Self-esteem is at the core of our mental wellbeing. It shapes how we view ourselves, influences our relationships, and plays a massive role in achieving our potential. Building self-esteem is not just about “feeling good” about ourselves; it’s about developing a resilient sense of self-worth that aligns with a healthy mindset and life satisfaction.

In counselling and psychology, self-esteem is recognised as a pivotal part of growth and self-actualisation. According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, self-esteem sits high on the pyramid, just below self-actualisation. Maslow’s theory helps us understand that true self-esteem is built when we satisfy our core needs — from security to a sense of belonging, achievement, and ultimately, personal growth. In this blog, we'll explore key strategies to build self-esteem and how counselling services, particularly humanistic counselling, can support you in this journey.


Understanding self-esteem through Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Maslow's hierarchy of needs provides a valuable framework to understand self-esteem. His pyramid is usually divided into five tiers:

1. Physiological Needs – Basic needs like food, water, and shelter.
2. Safety Needs – Security, stability, and a safe environment.
3. Love and Belonging – Meaningful relationships and social connections.
4. Esteem – Self-worth, respect, and achievement.
5. Self-Actualisation – Realising one’s full potential and growth.

Self-esteem fits in the fourth tier, but to build true, resilient self-esteem, the first three tiers need to be addressed. Without feeling secure, connected, and valued, self-esteem will be shaky. When these foundational needs are fulfilled, our self-esteem grows stronger, paving the way for self-actualisation. 

For many people, struggling with self-esteem isn’t about their lack of achievements but more about the core needs they’ve struggled to meet. Counselling can help people navigate these layers, unlocking the door to higher self-esteem and, eventually, self-actualisation.


The Actualising tendency: fulfilling our potential

The concept of the "actualising tendency" comes from humanistic psychology and is championed by Carl Rogers, a leading figure in person-centred counselling. According to Rogers, we all have an innate drive to become the best versions of ourselves, a process he calls self-actualisation. This drive to actualise is a natural part of being human; however, the environment we live in, and our beliefs about ourselves, can either support or hinder this process.

When we lack self-esteem, we may feel disconnected from our potential, doubting our abilities and worth. Through humanistic counselling, individuals are encouraged to reconnect with their inherent worth and inner strength, peeling away layers of self-doubt and negative self-image. The actualising tendency within each of us drives us to grow, but for it to flourish, we need self-acceptance and a supportive environment.

 Practical strategies to build self-esteem

Building self-esteem is a process, not an overnight transformation. Here are some key strategies for nurturing self-esteem, with insights from counselling psychology:

1. Set realistic goals and celebrate achievements

Setting small, realistic goals is foundational in building self-esteem. By achieving even small, manageable goals, you experience a sense of progress and accomplishment, which reinforces a positive self-image. Start by identifying areas where you feel unfulfilled or would like to grow. For example, if you want to improve your fitness, set an initial goal of going for a short walk three times a week instead of aiming to run a marathon right away. 

Each time you meet a small goal, celebrate it – write it down, share it with someone, or reward yourself with something meaningful. Counselling can support this process by helping you set SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound) goals, breaking down overwhelming aspirations into practical steps and creating a cycle of achievement. This way, each goal met is a building block for stronger self-worth.

Example: Sarah wanted to learn a new language but felt overwhelmed by the challenge. Her counsellor helped her set an achievable goal: practice language basics for 15 minutes a day. As she met this goal, she felt a growing sense of accomplishment, which gradually boosted her self-esteem. 

2. Challenge negative self-talk

Our self-esteem is often influenced by the way we talk to ourselves. Negative self-talk, such as thoughts like “I always fail” or “I’m not as good as others,” can become deeply ingrained and affect how we see ourselves. In counselling, techniques such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) are used to identify these negative thought patterns and replace them with more constructive ones.

One effective way to challenge negative self-talk is to ask yourself, “Would I say this to a friend?” For example, if you’re constantly telling yourself, “I’m terrible at my job,” imagine how you’d respond if a friend said that. You might be kinder, reminding them of their strengths or suggesting ways to learn and improve. Doing the same for yourself builds a more compassionate inner voice.

Example: Mark constantly thought, “I’m not smart enough to succeed.” Through counselling, he learned to challenge this belief by recognising his past achievements and reframing his self-talk to, “I may not know everything, but I’m capable of learning.”

3. Foster positive relationships

Our relationships shape our self-esteem in powerful ways. Positive, encouraging people provide us with a supportive mirror through which we can see our worth and potential. Often, people with low self-esteem may find themselves in relationships that reinforce negative beliefs about themselves. Counselling can help you explore these relationships and identify the ones that truly support your growth.

Nurturing positive relationships can mean reaching out to people who are encouraging, respectful, and willing to listen. If you struggle with toxic relationships or feel unable to set boundaries, a counsellor can help you develop communication skills to establish healthier connections. For instance, you might practice saying “no” in counselling sessions to develop confidence in real-life settings.

Example: Lisa often found herself in relationships where her opinions were dismissed, which made her feel undervalued. With her counsellor’s help, she practiced assertiveness and learned to seek friendships where her contributions were respected and valued.

4. Practice self-compassion and acceptance

Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness you’d extend to others, especially when things go wrong. This practice counters the destructive effects of perfectionism and harsh self-criticism, both of which damage self-esteem. For many, self-compassion doesn’t come naturally and requires conscious effort and guidance.

Start by acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and faces setbacks – these are universal experiences. For example, if you miss a work deadline, instead of focusing on self-blame, try saying, “I’m doing my best, and I can learn from this experience.” Humanistic counselling approaches often include self-compassion practices, where a counsellor offers unconditional positive regard, helping clients see themselves through a kinder, more forgiving lens.

Example: When Tom missed a promotion at work, his initial response was to criticise himself. With his counsellor’s guidance, he learned to practice self-compassion by reminding himself that everyone faces professional setbacks. Over time, this shift improved his self-esteem and made him more resilient to criticism.

5. Engage in personal growth activities

Engaging in activities that encourage personal growth allows you to explore your strengths and interests, adding to a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. This could involve learning new skills, practicing mindfulness, engaging in creative pursuits, or taking on new challenges that push you out of your comfort zone. These activities remind you of your capabilities and offer a sense of mastery that directly contributes to self-esteem.

For example, someone interested in art might take a painting class, not necessarily to become a professional artist, but to engage in something fulfilling. Through these personal growth activities, we gain confidence, explore our potential, and sometimes even find new passions. Counselling can be beneficial here, as a counsellor can help you explore what activities resonate with your interests and align with your values.

Example: Emma felt her self-esteem boost when she took up yoga. Not only did the practice itself help her feel stronger and more capable, but the self-reflection involved allowed her to gain a deeper understanding of herself, something her counsellor encouraged.


The role of counselling in building self-esteem

Professional counselling provides a safe and nurturing environment to work through self-esteem issues. Humanistic counselling, in particular, offers an empathetic, client-centred approach that focuses on an individual’s strengths, potential, and inherent worth. By fostering a relationship of trust and unconditional positive regard, counsellors help clients to explore their feelings, face their doubts, and unlock the actualising tendency within.

Working with a counsellor allows individuals to confront underlying issues that may be holding them back from a stronger self-esteem. They can work on establishing a healthier sense of self-worth, drawing from therapeutic techniques that enhance self-acceptance, resilience, and self-compassion.

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Final Thoughts

Building self-esteem is a journey that requires patience, effort, and support. By addressing our core needs, challenging negative thoughts, and nurturing positive relationships, we can create a resilient sense of self-worth. Counselling plays a significant role in this process, guiding individuals to reconnect with their inner strengths and tap into their potential.

If you’re seeking to build your self-esteem and grow towards self-actualisation, consider connecting with a counsellor who can guide and support you through this empowering journey. Self-esteem may begin with recognising our worth, but it flourishes when we nurture it with understanding, compassion, and a supportive environment.it.