Breaking the Habit of Over-Apologising: Understanding Why We Do It and How to Stop

Do you often find yourself saying “sorry” for things that aren’t your fault, or even for simply being present? If so, you’re not alone. Many of us have developed the habit of over-apologising - whether it’s saying “sorry” for minor inconveniences, apologising when someone bumps into us, or pre-empting our opinions with unnecessary apologies.

While apologising is a healthy part of maintaining relationships and taking responsibility, doing it excessively can erode your confidence, signal to others that you’re unsure of yourself, and undermine your authority. So, why do we over-apologise, and how can we break this habit? Let’s explore the reasons behind this tendency and practical strategies to overcome it.


Why do we over-apologise?

There are several reasons people may over-apologise. Understanding the root causes can help you become more aware of your own behaviour and take steps to change it.

Fear of conflict
Many people apologise as a way to avoid conflict. They may worry that expressing themselves directly or asserting their needs will upset others, so they preface their statements with “sorry” to soften the blow. While this might prevent immediate tension, it reinforces the idea that their needs are less important, which can lead to longer-term frustration and resentment.

Low Self-Esteem
When you don’t feel confident in yourself or your worth, you may feel the need to apologise for taking up space or for simply existing. Over-apologising can be a way of seeking validation or approval, as if saying “sorry” will make others like or accept you. Unfortunately, this often has the opposite effect, signalling to others that you’re unsure of yourself and giving away your personal power.

Cultural conditioning
In some cultures, particularly in the UK, saying “sorry” is often used as a form of politeness or social lubricant, even when no one is at fault. It becomes a reflexive way to smooth over awkward situations, but this can sometimes go too far, leading to an automatic, almost habitual apology for everything.

Wanting to keep the peace
Apologising can be a way of keeping the peace and maintaining harmony, especially in situations where you feel responsible for others’ emotions. This is particularly common in personal relationships, where people may apologise to avoid tension, even when they aren’t at fault.

Avoiding discomfort
Some people apologise as a way of deflecting uncomfortable situations. Rather than sitting with the discomfort of a disagreement or standing up for their viewpoint, they use apologies to quickly move past the situation. This can lead to a pattern of avoiding genuine, open communication.


Why over-apologising is harmful

While the occasional “sorry” can be a sign of good manners, constantly apologising can have negative effects on your self-esteem, relationships, and even your professional life. Here’s why it’s important to break the habit:

1. It Undermines your confidence 
Over-apologising sends a message to yourself that you’re doing something wrong, even when you aren’t. This can erode your self-confidence over time and make you feel like you’re always at fault, even in situations where you’re not responsible.
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2. It signals to others that you’re uncertain
When you apologise excessively, you may inadvertently signal to others that you’re unsure of yourself or your decisions. This can make it harder for people to take you seriously, whether at work, in relationships, or in everyday interactions.

3. It can shift responsibility
Constantly apologising can shift the responsibility from where it truly belongs. If you apologise when someone else is at fault, you’re taking on unnecessary emotional labour. This can make it harder for others to acknowledge their own responsibility, as they come to expect you to shoulder the blame.

4. It leads to resentment
If you continually apologise when it’s unnecessary, you may begin to feel resentful that your needs aren’t being respected. Over-apologising can create an unhealthy dynamic where others become accustomed to you backing down or deferring to them, leaving you feeling unappreciated or overlooked.


How to stop over-apologising

Breaking the habit of over-apologising takes time and practice, but it’s entirely possible. Here are some practical strategies to help you regain confidence and communicate more effectively.

1. Become aware of the habit
The first step in breaking the cycle is becoming aware of how often you apologise. Pay attention to situations where you say “sorry” automatically, without thinking. Keep a mental (or physical) note of the circumstances that trigger your apologies--this could be at work, in social situations, or even with close family and friends
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2. Ask yourself: Is an apology really necessary?
Before you say “sorry,” pause and ask yourself whether an apology is truly warranted. Did you actually do something wrong, or are you apologising out of habit? For example, instead of saying, “Sorry, I’m late,” try saying, “Thank you for waiting,” which acknowledges the other person without taking on unnecessary blame.

3. Replace apologies with other phrases
Instead of apologising, try using alternative phrases that express what you actually mean. Here are some examples:

• Instead of “Sorry for bothering you,” say “Thank you for your time.”
• Instead of “Sorry for asking this,” say “I have a question.”
• Instead of “Sorry for the mistake,” say “Thank you for your patience while I fix this.”

These alternative phrases acknowledge the situation without undermining your confidence or taking responsibility for things beyond your control.

4. Practice setting boundaries
Over-apologising can be linked to difficulty in setting boundaries. Learning to communicate your needs clearly and assertively, without apologising, is a powerful way to build confidence and reduce the need for unnecessary apologies.

For example, instead of saying, “Sorry, but I can’t stay late at work,” you could say, “I won’t be able to stay late today. Let’s find a time tomorrow to go over this.”

5. Own your opinions
Many people preface their opinions with apologies, such as “Sorry, but I think…” This can make you seem uncertain, even if you’re confident in your viewpoint. Instead, state your opinions directly and confidently: “I believe that…” or “In my experience…” This reinforces that your perspective is valuable and valid.

6. Embrace the discomfort
It’s important to recognise that setting boundaries or expressing your needs can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to over-apologising. But discomfort is a natural part of growth. The more you practice expressing yourself without unnecessary apologies, the more comfortable you’ll become with standing in your truth and communicating effectively.


When an apology is necessary

Of course, there are times when an apology is genuinely needed. If you’ve hurt someone, made a mistake, or caused inconvenience, apologising is a meaningful way to take responsibility. However, the key is to ensure that your apologies are genuine and warranted, rather than automatic.

A sincere apology involves acknowledging your actions, expressing regret, and making an effort to repair the situation. When used appropriately, apologies can strengthen relationships and demonstrate emotional maturity.

Final thoughts: reclaiming your voice
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Breaking the habit of over-apologising is about reclaiming your voice and recognising your value. You don’t need to apologise for your existence, your opinions, or for taking up space. By becoming more aware of when and why you apologise, and by practicing assertive communication, you can foster healthier relationships, boost your self-esteem, and interact with others from a place of confidence rather than guilt.

The next time you feel the urge to say "sorry" for something that doesn't warrant an apology, pause. Reflect on whether it's necessary. and if not, try using more empowering language. Over time, you'll find that reducing your apologies doesn't just change the way others see you - it changes the way you see yourself.