Improving Mental Wellbeing

Suffering is an inevitable part of the human experience. It’s messy, uncomfortable, and often feels unfair. As a humanistic counsellor, I encounter clients navigating the rough terrain of suffering every day. And yet, time and time again, I’ve witnessed how this very suffering becomes a catalyst for profound growth and self-actualisation. It’s paradoxical, but pain often holds the seeds of transformation.


What is suffering, really?

Suffering comes in many forms - grief, heartbreak, failure, existential crises, or the quiet, nagging ache of dissatisfaction with life. While the specifics vary, suffering usually points to a mismatch between our current reality and our deeply held values, desires, or needs.

Humanistic psychology, with its focus on the individual’s potential for growth, doesn’t shy away from suffering. Instead, it views suffering as an essential aspect of the human journey, something to be explored rather than avoided. Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic counselling, believed that the pain we experience often signals areas in our lives where change and growth are most needed. It’s through this exploration that we uncover truths about ourselves and discover paths forward.


The role of suffering in Self-Actualisation

Self-actualisation, the process of becoming the fullest version of yourself, is at the heart of humanistic counselling. It’s not about achieving perfection but about embracing authenticity, aligning with your values, and unlocking your potential. Interestingly, suffering often serves as the gateway to this deeper self-awareness.

Think about it: moments of crisis force us to question who we are, what we want, and what truly matters. They disrupt our autopilot mode and demand that we pay attention. While these moments are undeniably painful, they also present opportunities to recalibrate our lives and rediscover what’s meaningful.


Why growth often hurts

Growth is uncomfortable because it requires change, and change challenges the status quo. It asks us to confront fears, break patterns, and venture into the unknown. As humans, we’re wired to seek comfort and avoid pain, but growth demands the opposite. It asks us to sit with discomfort and to trust that something valuable lies on the other side.

In my practice, I often remind clients that pain is a signpost. It points us to the areas of our lives that need attention and care. When we lean into that pain instead of running from it, we create space for healing and transformation.


Suffering as a teacher

Consider how suffering teaches us resilience, empathy, and perspective.

Resilience: Surviving difficult experiences shows us that we are stronger than we realise. Each time we face adversity and come out the other side, we build a deeper well of inner strength. This resilience isn’t just about enduring; it’s about learning to adapt, grow, and find new ways to thrive.

Empathy: When we’ve experienced pain ourselves, we become more compassionate towards others. Suffering breaks down barriers and reminds us of our shared humanity. Empathy allows us to connect deeply with others, fostering relationships that are authentic and healing.

Perspective: Challenges force us to reevaluate our priorities. Sometimes, it’s only through loss or failure that we come to appreciate what truly matters. Suffering can illuminate what we’ve been taking for granted and inspire gratitude for the simple joys of life.

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Turning suffering into growth

So, how can we harness the transformative power of suffering? Here are a few strategies rooted in humanistic principles:

Acceptance: Instead of resisting or denying pain, try to accept it as part of your journey. This doesn’t mean you have to like it, but acknowledging its presence is the first step toward working through it. Denial only prolongs the process and can deepen the wounds.

Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during difficult times. Treat yourself with the same patience and understanding you’d offer a friend. Self-compassion doesn’t just soothe; it strengthens you to face challenges with greater clarity and courage.

Reflection: Take time to explore what your suffering is trying to tell you. Journaling, counselling, or simply sitting with your thoughts can help you uncover the lessons hidden within your pain. Reflection creates a bridge between suffering and insight.

Connection: Reach out to others. Sharing your struggles can lighten the burden and remind you that you’re not alone. Human beings are inherently social creatures, and connection can be a powerful balm for pain.

Action: Growth often requires taking proactive steps, whether it’s setting boundaries, pursuing a new path, or seeking professional help. Transformation doesn’t happen passively; it’s a participatory process that demands effort and courage.

Gratitude in Hindsight: While it’s nearly impossible to appreciate suffering while in its grip, looking back often reveals how it shaped us. Reflecting on past hardships can provide perspective and help us recognise the value in experiences we once wished away.


The Neuroscience of suffering and growth

From a scientific standpoint, the brain also adapts through adversity. Neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to reorganise itself by forming new neural connections, means that challenging experiences can literally reshape our minds. Struggles teach the brain to approach problems differently, fostering creativity and resilience. While suffering initially activates stress responses, prolonged reflection and positive action help the brain integrate these experiences into a more adaptive framework.


In conclusion

As someone who has walked alongside many individuals on their journeys, I’ve seen how suffering, when embraced with courage and curiosity, can lead to extraordinary breakthroughs. The human spirit is remarkably resilient, and even in the darkest moments, there is always potential for light. This isn’t just theoretical; it’s something I’ve witnessed in practice and, at times, experienced personally.

Suffering is not something any of us would choose, but it is often the birthplace of our greatest growth. By facing our pain head-on, we can transform it into a powerful force for self-discovery and self-actualisation. Remember, it’s not about avoiding the storm but learning how to dance in the rain. And in that dance, we often find our truest selves. The journey of growth is ongoing, and every step, even the painful ones, is a testament to the incredible capacity for transformation within us all. 

With the arrival of a new year comes a sense of new beginnings - a chance to refocus, reassess, and take meaningful steps towards the life you want to build. Whether it’s improving your health, nurturing relationships, advancing your career, or finding more joy in everyday moments, the transition into a new year is the perfect opportunity to set clear goals and work towards them with purpose.  

But how do you turn these aspirations into reality? Setting and achieving goals requires more than just motivation; it calls for structure, self-compassion, and sometimes, the guidance of professional support like counselling. Here, we explore ways to make the new year a year of positive change, with practical tips and strategies to help you stay on track.  



Reflect and take stock of the past year

Before setting goals for the year ahead, it’s worth pausing to reflect on the year just passed. What went well? What didn’t? Understanding where you’ve been can provide valuable insights into where you’d like to go.  

Ask yourself:  
- What accomplishments am I proud of?
- What do I want to leave behind this year?
- What challenges did I face, and how did I handle them?  
- Are there areas of my life that feel unbalanced or neglected?  

Solution: Write a “year in review” journal entry or talk it through with a trusted friend or counsellor. Reflection helps you recognise patterns and ensures your goals for the new year are rooted in your current reality, not wishful thinking.  



Set goals that align with your values

Goals are more meaningful (and more likely to be achieved) when they reflect what truly matters to you. Think about your core values. Is it family, creativity, health, financial stability, or perhaps a sense of adventure? Aligning your goals with your values ensures they feel authentic and worthwhile.  

Example: If connection is important to you, a goal might be to schedule regular time with loved ones. If personal growth is a priority, you might plan to take a course, read a certain number of books, or start therapy to deepen your self-awareness.  

Solution: Use a mind map to brainstorm how your values can translate into specific, actionable goals. For each value, write down one or two aspirations for the year ahead.  



Break it down into manageable steps

Big goals can feel inspiring but also overwhelming. The key to making progress is breaking them into smaller, actionable steps that feel achievable and realistic.  

Example: If your goal is to improve your physical fitness, start small: commit to a 15-minute walk three times a week rather than aiming for daily gym sessions right away. If your goal is to improve your finances, start by tracking your spending for a month before setting up a budget.  

Solution: Use the SMART framework for your goals:
 
Specific: Be clear about what you want to achieve.
Measurable: Define how you’ll track progress.
Achievable: Ensure it’s realistic given your circumstances.
Relevant: Check it aligns with your values.
Time-bound: Set a timeline to maintain focus.

Then, break each goal into smaller milestones and celebrate your progress along the way.  



Stay focused by prioritising

One of the biggest pitfalls when setting goals is trying to do too much at once. It’s tempting to aim for an ambitious list of changes, but spreading yourself too thin can lead to burnout and disappointment.  

Solution: Pick three to five goals to focus on for the year. These should be the aspirations that feel most significant or impactful to your happiness and well-being. You can always revisit and expand your list later if you find yourself ready for more.  



Cultivate habits, not just goals

While goals are great for setting direction, habits are what keep you moving forward. By focusing on building routines and behaviours that support your aspirations, you can create lasting change that feels less effortful over time.  

Example: If your goal is to reduce stress, cultivate a daily habit of mindfulness, such as 10 minutes of meditation or journaling. If your goal is to build confidence, practise small acts of courage, like speaking up in meetings or trying something new each week.  

Solution: Pair new habits with existing ones. For example, if you want to practise gratitude, add it to your evening routine, perhaps writing down three things you’re grateful for before brushing your teeth.  



Seek support through counselling

Counselling is an invaluable resource for anyone looking to set meaningful goals, navigate challenges, or simply invest in their personal growth. A professional counsellor provides a non-judgemental space to explore your aspirations, identify potential barriers, and develop strategies for success.  

Benefits of counselling:

- Clarity: A counsellor can help you identify what truly matters to you and refine your goals.  
- Accountability: Regular sessions can keep you motivated and on track.
- Resilience: Counselling equips you with tools to manage setbacks and maintain progress.  
- Self-awareness: Exploring your thoughts and behaviours can uncover patterns that either support or hinder your growth.  

Solution: If you’re unsure where to start, consider booking an initial session with a counsellor to discuss your aspirations and how they can help you achieve them.  



Plan for challenges and embrace flexibility

Life rarely goes according to plan, and that’s okay. Anticipating obstacles and building flexibility into your goals allows you to adapt without feeling like you’ve failed.  

Example: If your goal is to run a marathon but an injury sets you back, focus on what you *can* do, such as swimming or strength training, until you’re ready to return to running.  

Solution: Create contingency plans for your goals. For each aspiration, think about potential challenges and write down alternative actions or adjustments you can make if things don’t go as expected.  



Celebrate progress along the way

Acknowledging your achievements, even the small ones, is essential for staying motivated. Progress is often incremental, and celebrating your wins reinforces the positive behaviours that helped you succeed.  

Example: If your goal is to learn a new skill, celebrate milestones like completing an online course or mastering a specific technique. If your goal is to improve your mental health, acknowledge the steps you’re taking, like attending counselling or practising self-care.  

Solution: Keep a “success journal” where you jot down your accomplishments, no matter how small. Looking back on these entries can be a powerful reminder of how far you’ve come.  



Revisit and refine your goals

As the year progresses, your priorities may shift, or you might discover that some goals no longer resonate. Revisiting your aspirations regularly ensures they remain relevant and aligned with your life.  

Solution: Schedule quarterly check-ins with yourself (or with a counsellor) to review your goals.

Ask yourself:  
- What progress have I made?  
- What feels challenging, and why?  
- Do I need to adjust or let go of any goals?  

This flexibility keeps you grounded and prevents unnecessary frustration.  



Be kind to yourself

Personal growth is a journey, not a race. There will be days when you fall short, lose motivation, or face setbacks, and that’s perfectly normal. What matters most is your willingness to keep going.  

Solution: Practise self-compassion. Treat yourself as you would a friend, acknowledge your effort, forgive your mistakes, and celebrate your strengths. Counselling can be a wonderful space to cultivate this mindset, helping you build resilience and self-acceptance.  



Looking ahead to the new year

The new year holds endless possibilities, but lasting change comes from more than just setting goals. It’s about aligning your aspirations with your values, building habits that support them, and seeking the guidance and support you need to thrive.  

Whether you’re aiming for small, steady improvements or big, transformative shifts, take the new year one step at a time, and remember that progress, not perfection, is what counts. With thoughtful planning and the right support, this can be the year you truly invest in yourself and your future.  

If you’re considering counselling to support your personal growth, now could be the perfect time to begin. Sometimes, having someone in your corner can make all the difference.