Improving Mental Wellbeing

In today’s fast-paced world, where technology often keeps us connected yet isolated, building and maintaining meaningful relationships can feel like an increasingly difficult task. Whether it’s with friends, family, or romantic partners, human connections are essential for our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Understanding how relationships form, evolve, and thrive is key to making these connections stronger, deeper, and more fulfilling.

​In this blog, we will explore the theories behind relationships, particularly attachment theory, the role of trust and vulnerability, and provide practical steps for creating and nurturing lasting bonds.


What Are Friendships and Relationships?
Before diving into how to build deeper connections, it's important to understand the different types of relationships we engage in and how they affect us.

Friendships are typically voluntary relationships, often formed around shared interests, mutual respect, or common activities. The depth of a friendship can range from casual acquaintanceships to the profound bonds we share with our closest friends. Aristotle, in his Nicomachean Ethics, categorised friendships into three types:

• Friendships of Utility: These are relationships based on mutual benefit, like work colleagues or business partners.
• Friendships of Pleasure: These friendships arise from shared interests or activities, such as friends you see to play sports or attend events together.
• Friendships of Virtue: These friendships are rooted in mutual admiration and respect. They involve a deeper connection, often characterized by shared values and a commitment to one another’s growth and well-being.

Relationships, however, usually refer to deeper, more intimate connections - whether familial, romantic, or even professional. They often involve more defined roles and expectations and can require higher emotional investments. Attachment theory, a psychological framework developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, helps us understand how early childhood experiences with caregivers influence our ability to form and maintain these adult relationships. According to attachment theory, the way a child bonds with their primary caregiver shapes their approach to relationships as adults. Bowlby identified three main attachment styles that persist into adulthood:

• Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy, trust others easily, and maintain balanced relationships.
• Anxious Attachment: These individuals often fear abandonment and require constant reassurance from their partners or friends.
• Avoidant Attachment: People with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid emotional closeness and struggle with intimacy.
• Disorganised Attachment: This attachment style is a result of trauma or inconsistent caregiving, often causing unpredictable behaviour in relationships.

Understanding these styles is essential for building healthier, more secure relationships.


Why Do Friendships and Relationships Matter?
Relationships are not just a source of comfort, they play a critical role in our mental, emotional, and even physical health. The need for connection is deeply ingrained in human nature, and our relationships are key to our overall well-being.

Mental and emotional health
Strong relationships provide emotional support and reduce feelings of loneliness, which is a leading factor in mental health struggles like depression and anxiety. Research shows that loneliness and isolation can lead to long-term emotional and psychological issues. Conversely, having supportive friends and family can act as a buffer against stress and provide comfort during difficult times. Having a close friend who listens to your concerns or a partner who offers emotional support during challenging moments can help alleviate feelings of isolation.

Physical health
The benefits of strong relationships extend beyond emotional health, they also affect our physical health. Studies have shown that loneliness can increase the risk of chronic illnesses, including heart disease, high blood pressure, and a weakened immune system. On the other hand, social connectedness has been linked to better overall health and a longer lifespan. Regularly spending time with friends or family encourages physical activity, lowers stress, and supports overall well-being, which can directly improve your health.

Attachment and security
Attachment theory suggests that the attachments formed in early childhood shape how we interact with others as adults. Secure attachments allow for healthier, more fulfilling relationships, while insecure attachment styles (such as anxious or avoidant) can lead to relational difficulties. A person with a secure attachment style is more likely to trust their partner and feel comfortable with intimacy, leading to a healthier, more stable relationship.

Personal growth
Relationships are not only about emotional support, they also offer opportunities for self-reflection and personal growth. Through the process of interacting with others, we learn about our own desires, boundaries, and emotional responses. This dynamic process helps us mature emotionally and intellectually. A friend who challenges your perspective on an issue or a partner who encourages you to pursue your passions can help you grow as an individual.


Building Relational Depth: Creating meaningful connections
Relational depth is the experience of connecting deeply with another person in a way that feels authentic, meaningful, and transformative. This isn’t about surface-level interactions or casual small talk; it’s about creating a space where both parties feel seen, valued, and understood. Whether in friendships, romantic partnerships, or familial bonds, relational depth takes effort but yields profound rewards in trust, intimacy, and emotional fulfilment.

1. Be present
To foster meaningful connections, being truly present is crucial. This means giving your full attention to the person you are with, whether it’s in a conversation or while sharing an activity. When you’re fully present with someone, you signal that they are your priority in that moment.

Example: If you’re catching up with a friend, put away distractions like your phone, listen actively, and engage in the conversation with an open heart. Being present allows you to pick up on subtle emotional cues and respond with empathy.

Tip: Practice mindfulness to enhance your ability to focus during interactions.


2. Practice Active Listening
Active listening is the foundation of deepening relational bonds. It means not only hearing the words someone says but also understanding the underlying emotions and perspectives.

Example:  If a friend says, “I’m fine,” but their tone suggests otherwise, gently probe with, “You don’t sound fine—do you want to talk about it?” This demonstrates care and attentiveness.​

Tip: Reflect what you hear back to the person. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed by work. Did I get that right?”



3. Be vulnerable
Vulnerability is often the most challenging yet rewarding aspect of deepening relationships. Sharing your authentic self, including your fears, insecurities, and aspirations, encourages others to do the same.

Example: If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, share those emotions with your partner or friend. Being open about your vulnerabilities creates a safe space for others to do the same, fostering trust and emotional closeness.

Tip: Gauge the other person’s comfort level; vulnerability should be mutual, not forced.


4. Ask meaningful questions
Move beyond small talk by asking thoughtful, open-ended questions. This invites deeper conversations and demonstrates genuine interest in the person’s life and experiences.

Example: Instead of simply asking, "How was your day?" ask, "What was the highlight of your week?" This encourages a more meaningful exchange.

Tip: Be patient if the other person isn’t immediately open. Building depth takes time.


5. Respect boundaries
While vulnerability is key, respecting each other’s emotional boundaries is equally important. Allow people to open up at their own pace and be considerate of their emotional needs.

Example: If a friend isn’t ready to talk about a sensitive issue, respect their boundaries by offering support without pushing them for details.


6. Consistency builds trust
Trust is the foundation of all deep relationships. Be consistent in your actions, keeping your promises, and showing up when you say you will.

Example: If you commit to meeting a friend regularly for lunch, make the effort to keep those plans. Consistency builds emotional security and strengthens your bond.


7. Celebrate their wins and support them through their losses
Relational depth means sharing both joy and sorrow. Celebrate milestones and achievements just as much as you support them during tough times.

Example: Attend a friend’s art exhibit or send a heartfelt message on their promotion. Conversely, be there to listen when they’re grieving or struggling.


8. Engage in shared experiences
Shared experiences often create deeper bonds by providing opportunities for mutual vulnerability, teamwork, and joy.

Example: Take a trip together, work on a creative project, or volunteer for a cause you both care about. These experiences create lasting memories and deepen your connection.


Barriers to Relational Depth
While building relational depth is rewarding, there are obstacles that can hinder progress:

1. Fear of rejection: Opening up emotionally can be intimidating. Many people hold back to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Solution: Start small. Share something moderately personal and observe the response before diving deeper.

2. Cultural Norms: In some cultures, emotional vulnerability is seen as a weakness, making it harder to foster deeper connections.
Solution: Acknowledge these norms and slowly introduce more meaningful dialogue in ways that feel culturally appropriate.

3. Busy lifestyles: Modern life often leaves little room for meaningful connection.
Solution: Schedule regular check-ins with friends and loved ones, even if it’s a short video call or coffee date.

4. Mismatched expectations: Sometimes, one person may desire a deeper connection than the other is willing or able to offer.
Solution: Communicate openly about your needs and respect the other person’s comfort level.
​

Attachment Theory and its role in Friendships and Relationships
As previously mentioned, attachment theory plays a crucial role in shaping the way we form relationships. The style of attachment we develop as children affects how we relate to others in adulthood. Understanding these styles can provide insight into the challenges and strengths we bring to relationships.


Secure Attachment:
Individuals with a secure attachment style typically had caregivers who were responsive, supportive, and available during childhood. As a result, they tend to feel comfortable with intimacy, trust others, and manage conflict constructively. Securely attached individuals are able to form healthy, balanced relationships in adulthood. They are generally confident in their ability to give and receive love and support.

Key Characteristics of Secure Attachment:

• Comfortable with emotional closeness and intimacy.
• Trusting of others and themselves.
• Effective communication and conflict resolution.
• Low anxiety in relationships and less likely to fear rejection.
• Able to maintain a healthy sense of independence while still valuing connection.
  

Anxious Attachment:
Anxiously attached individuals often experienced inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving in childhood. This unpredictability can create a sense of insecurity, which is carried into adulthood. People with anxious attachment tend to fear abandonment and often seek constant reassurance in their relationships. They may become overly dependent on their partners or friends for emotional validation, and their relationships can become strained by their heightened need for closeness and attention.

Key Characteristics of Anxious Attachment:

• Fear of rejection or abandonment.
• High emotional neediness and desire for constant reassurance.
• Prone to anxiety and insecurity in relationships.
• Overthinking or misinterpreting relationship dynamics (e.g., perceiving distance as rejection).
• Can become “clingy” or overly dependent on the other person for emotional support.
  

Avoidant Attachment:
Avoidant attachment often arises from caregivers who were emotionally distant or unresponsive, leading to a sense of emotional neglect. People with avoidant attachment tend to value independence and self-sufficiency, often seeing emotional closeness as a threat to their autonomy. They may have difficulty expressing their emotions and struggle to open up to others, preferring to avoid conflict or vulnerability.

Key Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment:

• Difficulty trusting others or relying on them emotionally.
• A preference for emotional distance or independence.
• Difficulty with intimacy, often feeling uncomfortable with too much closeness.
• Tend to withdraw during conflict or when their emotional needs are not met.
• May suppress or dismiss their emotions to maintain control.

Disorganised Attachment:
The disorganised attachment style is often the result of childhood trauma or abuse, where a child receives conflicting messages from their caregivers (e.g., the caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear). This leads to confusion and a lack of consistency in how emotional needs are met. As adults, those with a disorganised attachment style often struggle with emotional regulation, fear of intimacy, and difficulty trusting others.

Key Characteristics of Disorganised Attachment:

• Conflicting feelings of wanting closeness but also fearing it.
• Difficulty regulating emotions, leading to erratic or unpredictable behaviours.
• A heightened fear of rejection and abandonment, combined with avoidance.
• Unstable or chaotic relationships due to inconsistent behaviours.

Understanding your own attachment style, and that of your loved ones, can help you navigate your relationships more effectively. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, recognising it can help you manage feelings of insecurity and seek reassurance in healthy, non-dependent ways. For those with avoidant attachment, becoming aware of the tendency to withdraw during emotional conflict can help them take steps to engage more openly with their partner or friends.




The Role of Trust, Respect, and Empathy in deepening relationships
At the core of every meaningful relationship lie three fundamental elements: trust, respect, and empathy.

Trust: Trust is the cornerstone of relational depth. Without trust, intimacy cannot flourish. Example: A partner who consistently supports you through tough times builds trust by showing they can be relied upon.

Respect: Deep relationships are based on mutual respect. This involves acknowledging each other’s individuality and valuing each other’s emotional needs. Example: Supporting a friend’s career choice, even if it’s different from your own path, demonstrates respect for their personal journey.

Empathy: Empathy allows us to understand and share in the emotions of others. It strengthens emotional bonds and deepens the connection between individuals. Example: When a person is grieving, express empathy by aiming to keep your own experiences out of that moment and be present and willing to explore how they are experiencing it from their frame of reference.


Why Relationships are worth the effort
Building and nurturing deep relationships requires effort, but the rewards are immeasurable. Whether it’s the joy of shared experiences, the comfort of emotional support, or the security of trust, these connections provide meaning and purpose in life.

Investing in relationships helps you grow emotionally and personally, strengthening your ability to navigate life’s challenges. By cultivating trust, empathy, and vulnerability, you can create lasting, fulfilling connections that stand the test of time.

Stress - It’s a term most of us use casually, but its impact is anything but casual. From tight deadlines and financial worries to unexpected life challenges, stress can feel overwhelming. While some levels of stress can be a natural motivator (sometimes referred to as Eustress), chronic or unaddressed stress can take a toll on our mental and physical well-being.

In this blog, we’ll explore what stress is, why it happens, and how you can manage it using practical, evidence-based techniques. We’ll also dive into how counselling, particularly through the humanistic and person-centred approach, can offer a supportive environment for you to work through your stress.


What is Stress?

Stress is your body’s natural response to any situation that feels challenging or threatening. It is part of a sophisticated survival mechanism involving your brain, hormones, and nervous system. At the centre of this response is the autonomic nervous system (ANS), which regulates involuntary functions such as heart rate, breathing, and digestion. The ANS has two key branches that play opposite roles in stress regulation: the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS).


The role of the Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS)
When your brain perceives a threat, it activates the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the "fight or flight" response. This is the system that prepares your body to respond to danger by:

• Increasing your heart rate and blood pressure.
• Quickening your breathing to deliver more oxygen to your muscles.
• Releasing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol to heighten alertness and energy.
• Suppressing non-essential functions like digestion and immune responses to focus on immediate survival.

For example, if you’re walking home and hear a sudden loud noise behind you, the SNS kicks in almost instantly, helping you react quickly to a potential threat.


The role of the Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS)
Once the threat has passed, the parasympathetic nervous system - the "rest and digest" system - takes over to bring your body back to a calm, balanced state. It slows your heart rate, deepens your breathing, and restores normal digestive and immune functions. This is essential for recovery and maintaining long-term health.

However, when stress becomes chronic, the SNS remains overactive, and the PNS struggles to restore balance. This prolonged activation of the stress response can lead to physical symptoms such as fatigue, digestive issues, and a weakened immune system, as well as mental health issues like anxiety and burnout.


Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn: Behavioural responses to stress

The activation of the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems is often described using the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn model, which explains behavioural responses to stress:

• Fight: Responding to stress by confronting or challenging the source. For example, becoming argumentative when feeling criticised.
• Flight: Avoiding or escaping the stressor. This could look like procrastinating or avoiding an overwhelming project.
• Freeze: Feeling paralysed or stuck, unable to take action. For instance, being unable to respond in a high-pressure meeting.
• Fawn: Attempting to appease others to diffuse tension, often at the expense of your own needs. For example, agreeing to extra tasks despite already feeling overburdened.

Why humans stay stressed longer than animals

In his book Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers, Robert Sapolsky explains how humans differ from animals when it comes to stress. Animals experience stress acutely, for example, when being chased by a predator. Once the threat is gone, their bodies quickly return to a calm state as the parasympathetic system takes over.

Humans, however, tend to remain in a heightened state of stress even when the immediate threat has passed. This happens because we often ruminate on problems or anticipate future challenges. The result? A persistent activation of the sympathetic nervous system and chronic exposure to stress hormones, which can harm both mental and physical health.

Understanding how the SNS and PNS influence your stress response is key to managing stress effectively. Techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, and relaxation exercises can help activate the parasympathetic system, promoting recovery and balance.


Recognising stress in your life

Recognising how stress affects you personally is crucial to managing it effectively. Stress often manifests in a combination of emotional, physical, and behavioural ways.

Emotional Signs:

• Feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope.
• Increased irritability or frustration.
• A persistent sense of worry or dread.

Physical Symptoms:

• Muscle tension, especially in the neck and shoulders.
• Frequent headaches or migraines.
• Digestive issues, such as stomach cramps or nausea.

Cognitive Effects:

• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions.
• Overthinking or racing thoughts.
• Avoiding responsibilities or turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as overeating, drinking, or excessive screen time.

Behavioural Signs

• Changes in eating habits, such as overeating or a loss of appetite.
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping excessively.
• Increased use of substances, like alcohol, caffeine, or cigarettes, as coping mechanisms.
• Social withdrawal, avoiding loved ones or social activities.
• Procrastination or avoidance, delaying tasks or responsibilities.
• Restlessness or fidgeting, such as pacing or tapping fingers.
• Neglecting responsibilities, including work, household chores, or personal care.
• Emotional outbursts, such as sudden anger or irritability.

The key to managing stress is noticing these signs early and addressing them before they escalate.


Stress Management techniques: A Humanistic approach

The humanistic and person-centred approach emphasises self-awareness, personal growth, and the belief that every individual has the capacity to find their own solutions. By focusing on your unique experiences and needs, this model provides tools for managing stress that feel authentic and empowering.


1. Identifying your stress triggers
Understanding what causes your stress is the foundation of effective management. In a person-centred counselling session, you might explore not only the external factors causing stress but also internal pressures, such as perfectionism or fear of failure.

Practical Example:
Imagine feeling constantly overwhelmed at work. By reflecting on this in counselling, you might uncover a pattern: taking on too many responsibilities because you find it difficult to delegate or say no. With this insight, you can begin to set healthier boundaries.

What You Can Do:

• Keep a Stress Journal: Record situations that cause stress, noting how you felt and reacted. Over time, you’ll spot patterns, helping you better anticipate and address triggers.
• Reflect on Your Values: Ask yourself, “Are my actions aligned with my priorities, or am I overextending myself to meet others’ expectations?”

2. Practising Self-Compassion
When you’re stressed, it’s common to be self-critical, blaming yourself for not handling things “better.” The person-centred approach invites you to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, fostering resilience rather than adding to the pressure.

Practical Example:
Suppose you’re stressed about an exam and didn’t perform as well as you hoped. Rather than thinking, “I’m useless,” reframe it as, “This was a tough challenge, and I did my best. I can learn from this experience and try again.”

What You Can Do:

• Daily Affirmations: Begin your day by reminding yourself of your strengths, such as, “I am capable of managing challenges one step at a time.”
• Self-Compassion exercises: Write yourself a letter from the perspective of a kind friend, offering reassurance and encouragement.

3. Creating a Safe Space to recharge
Stress often feels inescapable, which is why creating a designated space for relaxation is so important. This is a space where you can temporarily disconnect from responsibilities and focus on nurturing yourself.

Practical Example:
Set up a "calm corner" in your home, a small area with soft cushions, a soothing scent (like lavender), and items that bring you comfort, such as books or photos. This space becomes your go-to refuge when stress feels overwhelming.

What You Can Do:

• Engage your senses: Use candles, essential oils, or calming music to create an atmosphere that soothes your mind.
• Schedule uninterrupted time: Set aside 15 minutes daily to use this space, whether for journaling, meditating, or simply relaxing.

4. Setting boundaries and saying No
Stress often arises from taking on too much, whether due to external expectations or internal fears of disappointing others. The person-centred approach can help you explore why setting boundaries feels difficult and practise ways to assert yourself.

Practical Example:
Through counselling, you might realise that a fear of conflict leads you to say “yes” to extra responsibilities at work. Practising assertive communication allows you to set limits respectfully, such as, “I appreciate the opportunity, but I’m currently at capacity.”

What You Can Do:

• Pause before committing: When asked to take on more, give yourself time to consider whether it’s manageable.
• Practice scripts: Prepare phrases like, “I’d love to help, but I need to prioritise my current workload.”

5. Practising Mindfulness and staying present
Mindfulness, a cornerstone of many therapeutic practices, helps you break the cycle of racing thoughts by grounding you in the present moment. This technique aligns with the person-centred approach’s emphasis on self-awareness and acceptance.

Practical Example:
Imagine you’re overwhelmed by a mounting to-do list. Instead of spiralling into worry, practise a simple mindfulness technique:

1. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.
2. Notice the sensation of air entering and leaving your nose.
3. If your mind wanders, gently bring it back to your breath.

What You Can Do:

• Mindful walks: Spend 10 minutes walking outside, paying attention to the sights, sounds, and sensations around you.
• Use Mindfulness apps: Apps like Calm and Insight Timer provide guided meditations tailored to stress relief.

6. Talking it out
One of the most effective ways to manage stress is by sharing your feelings. Person-centred counselling provides a safe, empathetic space where you can explore your stress without fear of judgment. Being heard and understood often lightens the emotional burden of stress.

Practical Example:
During a counselling session, you might express feelings of overwhelm. Your counsellor might reflect back your words, helping you feel seen and validated. This can lead to new insights and strategies for coping.

What You Can Do:

• Find a trusted listener: Whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist, talking through your stress can help you process it more effectively.
• Consider counselling: If stress feels unmanageable, a counsellor can guide you through tailored techniques and strategies.

When to seek professional support
Stress is a normal part of life, but if it becomes chronic or starts affecting your physical health, relationships, or work, it’s time to seek support. A professional counsellor, whether trained in the humanistic, behavioural or cognitive modalities, can help you explore your stressors and develop meaningful, personalised coping strategies.


Final Thoughts on Stress Management
Stress may be a natural part of life, but it doesn’t have to dictate how you live. By identifying triggers, practising self-compassion, and building stress management habits like mindfulness and boundary-setting, you can take back control. And if you need additional support, counselling offers a non-judgmental space to explore your stress and discover what works best for you.

Take the first step: Whether it’s journaling, carving out time for mindfulness, or seeking professional help, there’s no “wrong” way to begin managing stress. What matters is finding strategies that support your unique needs and well-being.

As winter settles in and Christmas draws near, it’s common for many to experience challenges in maintaining their mental health. The colder months can increase feelings of sadness, loneliness, and stress, making this season particularly difficult for those already struggling with mental health concerns. For some, seeking counselling and focusing on self-care can provide the necessary support to navigate this time. In this blog, we’ll discuss the impact of winter and Christmas on mental health and explore effective strategies for managing emotional well-being during this season.

​
Why mental health can be affected in winter and around Christmas

1. The impact of seasonal changes on mental health:
Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), often referred to as “winter depression,” is a well-documented form of depression linked to seasonal changes. The decrease in sunlight during winter disrupts the body’s circadian rhythm, which influences sleep, energy levels, and mood regulation. Reduced daylight can also decrease the brain’s production of serotonin - a hormone that stabilises mood and promotes a sense of well-being - leading to symptoms of sadness, lethargy, and low motivation. Additionally, lower light exposure affects melatonin levels, which can increase fatigue and contribute to depressive symptoms.

2. Christmas stress and holiday pressures:
While Christmas is celebrated as a joyful time, it can create significant stress due to social and financial pressures. People often feel pressure to meet family expectations, engage in social gatherings, and buy gifts, which can lead to emotional strain and even anxiety. Social comparison also tends to increase during this time, with individuals feeling inadequate if their holiday experience or relationships don’t measure up to perceived ideals. For many, Christmas highlights feelings of loneliness, making it difficult to cope without robust support systems.

3. Financial and social pressures:
Winter brings additional financial burdens, especially around Christmas, when expenses often include gifts, festive meals, and travel. For those already managing financial stress, these added costs can amplify feelings of anxiety and negatively impact mental health. Social expectations, from attending multiple gatherings to hosting family and friends, can exacerbate feelings of stress and exhaustion, especially for those who thrive on routine and alone time.

4. Isolation and limited social interaction:
The colder weather and early darkness of winter often reduce social interaction, which is critical for mental well-being. People are less likely to engage in outdoor activities and may find it harder to arrange social events. This isolation can increase feelings of loneliness and exacerbate symptoms of depression or anxiety. For those living alone or far from family, this period can feel particularly isolating, as social gatherings highlight the absence of close connections.

​
Managing mental health and counselling support during winter and Christmas

1. Seek counselling or therapy for support

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or struggling with your mental health this winter, seeking counselling can be incredibly beneficial. A mental health counsellor can help you identify your stressors, provide coping techniques, and guide you in building resilience during the winter and holiday period. Many people find that therapy offers a safe space to express their feelings and work through any emotional challenges that arise.

Example: Alex, who experiences seasonal depression, decided to see a mental health counsellor when the winter blues became too much to manage on his own. Through regular sessions, Alex learned grounding techniques that he could use to manage feelings of anxiety and found that sharing his experiences lessened his emotional burden.

2. Embrace natural light and stay active

Getting exposure to natural light, even in winter, can help counter some of the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Aim for outdoor activities during daylight hours, as sunlight helps regulate serotonin levels, boosting mood. Staying active through winter walks or even short workouts can also elevate endorphin levels, enhancing your mental health.

Example: Emma, a university student, felt the effects of winter gloom each year. By going for a morning walk and incorporating light exercise into her routine, she found her mood more balanced and her energy levels steadier.

3. Set realistic Christmas expectations and budget wisely

Christmas can often feel overwhelming due to the high expectations surrounding family gatherings and gift-giving. Try to focus on what genuinely brings joy to you. Set a realistic budget for holiday expenses, remembering that meaningful moments do not require large spending. Counselling can also offer guidance on handling holiday stress and help you set boundaries with family members if needed.

Example: Sarah, a young professional, experienced significant holiday stress due to family expectations. With the help of her therapist, she learned to set boundaries and was able to create a holiday schedule that balanced family obligations with personal time, greatly reducing her anxiety.

4. Practice self-care and Mindfulness

Incorporating self-care routines, such as meditation, journaling, or even a few moments of quiet, can significantly improve mental well-being. Practising mindfulness techniques can help ground you during moments of holiday stress or winter gloom. Setting aside time for self-care each week can be especially beneficial for those who find this season emotionally challenging.

Example: Lucy, a mother of two, struggled with holiday stress every year. By dedicating one evening per week to her self-care routine - which included reading and meditation - she felt more capable of handling the Christmas rush and better equipped to manage her mental health.

5. Reach out and stay connected

Social isolation can be a big challenge during winter, especially for those living alone. Connecting with loved ones or joining a community event can help mitigate loneliness. Many people find that support groups, both in-person and online, provide comfort and understanding during this time. If reaching out feels difficult, consider discussing these feelings with a counsellor for additional support.

Example: Tom, who recently moved to a new city, felt isolated during the holidays. He joined an online support group for newcomers, which helped him make new connections and made the season feel a bit warmer.

6. Practice gratitude and reflect on positive moments

Focusing on gratitude can help shift your mindset, especially during winter and Christmas, when mental health may be strained. Keep a gratitude journal, noting small but positive moments each day. Practising gratitude can provide a mental boost and create a sense of contentment, even during challenging times.

Example: Mike began noting three things he was grateful for each night during winter. From a warm meal to a phone call with a friend, these reflections helped him feel more positive and connected during the colder months.


The importance of counselling for mental health during winter and Christmas

Counselling can be an invaluable tool for managing mental health challenges, especially during the demanding winter and holiday season. A trained counsellor can help you navigate the complexities of Seasonal Affective Disorder, holiday stress, or any other mental health concerns that arise. If you’re struggling this season, consider reaching out for professional mental health support.

Conclusion

Winter and Christmas can be difficult for mental health, but with the right strategies and support systems, it’s possible to make this season more manageable. From counselling and therapy to self-care and gratitude, there are many ways to care for yourself during the winter months. Whether you choose to embrace daylight, set holiday boundaries, or seek counselling support, remember that your mental health matters.

For more resources on mental health, or to learn more about counselling support, don’t hesitate to reach out to a qualified mental health professional.

Growing up with parents who routinely disregarded boundaries can lead to lasting effects that often follow us into adulthood. Boundaries - whether physical, emotional, intellectual, material (our possessions) or time - are essential for developing a sense of self and independence. When these boundaries are violated, it can leave us feeling insecure, struggling to assert our needs, or even feeling lost in our relationships. If the very people who instilled these issues are our parents, cultivating a secure and assertive self can feel particularly challenging.

In this blog, we’ll explore the impact of boundary violations during childhood, how these patterns can influence us as adults, and ways to rebuild confidence and healthy assertiveness. Through self-awareness and personal growth, we can work towards a secure sense of self, even if we grew up in an environment where boundaries were often disregarded.

Understanding the impact of boundary violations

Children rely on their parents to model what healthy boundaries look like. Boundaries provide a safe space for individuality, allowing children to explore their identities without fear of judgement, overreach, or control. When parents ignore, disrespect, or blur boundaries, children are left without a clear sense of what is acceptable, leading to confusion and insecurity. Here are some common ways in which parents may violate boundaries, and the lasting effects this can have:

1. Invasion of privacy
Parents who constantly monitor or intrude upon their child’s personal space can leave them feeling that they have no right to privacy. As adults, these individuals may struggle to set or enforce boundaries with others, fearing judgement or rejection.

2. Over-control
Overly controlling parents who dictate their child’s decisions - from friendships to hobbies - can inhibit a child’s autonomy. This leads to self-doubt and a fear of making independent choices.

3. Emotional enmeshment
Parents who use their child as an emotional support system, or are overly involved in their child’s emotional life, create a sense of enmeshment. This can result in blurred emotional boundaries and difficulty distinguishing one’s own feelings from others.

4. Dismissal of personal needs
If parents consistently dismiss or minimise a child’s needs, the child may grow up feeling unworthy or afraid to assert their needs, leading to low self-worth and a tendency to prioritise others at their own expense.

These patterns can result in a range of challenges in adulthood, including people-pleasing behaviours, difficulty saying “no,” fear of conflict, and a general sense of insecurity in relationships.



Rebuilding security and assertiveness as an adult

Building a secure and assertive sense of self when boundaries were not respected in childhood takes time, patience, and self-compassion. Here are some steps to help reclaim your sense of self and establish healthy boundaries as an adult.

1. Recognise boundary patterns

Self-awareness is the first step to change. Take time to reflect on your boundary patterns. Ask yourself:

- Do I tend to say “yes” when I want to say “no”?
- Do I feel guilty or anxious when setting a boundary?
- Do I often feel that my needs don’t matter?

Identifying these tendencies can help you understand how past boundary violations may still influence your behaviour. Journaling about specific situations where you felt uncomfortable or pressured can be insightful for recognising recurring themes.

2. Practise self-validation

Growing up with boundary-challenging parents often means receiving little validation for your feelings or decisions. Reclaiming self-worth involves learning to validate yourself. Affirm your own emotions and choices by reminding yourself:

- “My needs are just as important as anyone else’s.”
- “It’s okay to prioritise my well-being.”
- “I deserve respect, even if others disagree.”

This practice of self-validation builds inner security and lessens the need for external approval, often sought by those who grew up with dismissive or controlling parents.

3. Start with small boundaries

Setting boundaries may feel daunting, especially if it was discouraged or punished in childhood. Start by setting small, manageable boundaries in less intimidating situations, such as with colleagues or acquaintances. Practising small boundaries helps build confidence and reinforces that you have the right to set limits.

For example:

- Politely decline an invitation if you’re feeling tired rather than forcing yourself to go out.
- Speak up if a conversation makes you uncomfortable.
- Set boundaries around your time, like not answering work emails after hours.

As these small steps reinforce your sense of agency, you can gradually work toward setting firmer boundaries in more challenging relationships.

4. Cultivate assertiveness through mindful communication

Assertiveness doesn’t mean aggression; rather, it’s about expressing your needs respectfully and clearly. To practise assertiveness, try these techniques:

- Use “I” Statements: When expressing a boundary, focus on your own experience rather than blaming others. For example, “I need some quiet time in the evening to recharge,” is more effective than, “You’re always making noise.”

- Be Direct and Concise: Communicate your needs clearly without over-explaining or apologising. This shows confidence and reduces the likelihood of misunderstanding.

- Acknowledge Your Emotions: If setting a boundary feels difficult, be honest about it. For instance, “I feel a bit nervous saying this, but I need some time for myself this weekend,” lets others know you’re serious about your needs while acknowledging your feelings.

5. Let go of guilt and people-pleasing

If you’ve grown up with parents who violated your boundaries, you might feel guilt when asserting your needs. Remember that prioritising yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary for well-being. Combat guilt by reminding yourself:

- “Taking care of myself is necessary, not selfish.”
- “I’m not responsible for everyone’s happiness.”
- “Setting boundaries makes my relationships healthier, not weaker.”

Letting go of people-pleasing is a gradual process, but by practising self-compassion and reminding yourself of your worth, you’ll start to feel more at ease setting boundaries without guilt.



Building a secure sense of Self

Boundary violations can leave us questioning our worth and fearing that asserting ourselves will lead to rejection. But with commitment and self-reflection, we can rebuild security and confidence. Here are some additional strategies for strengthening your sense of self:

- Explore your own values 
Discover what truly matters to you rather than what others have imposed. Define your values around relationships, career, and self-care, and allow these to guide your decisions.

- Spend time alone
Engage in activities that allow you to reconnect with yourself, like journaling, meditation, or spending time in nature. Solitude can help you better understand your own thoughts and feelings.

- Seek support
Consider working with a counsellor, especially one who specialises in humanistic therapy or transactional analysis. Counselling can help you process unresolved emotions from your upbringing, build assertiveness, and provide guidance on setting healthy boundaries.

- Acknowledge progress
Rewiring deeply ingrained patterns takes time. Acknowledge your growth, no matter how small. Celebrate moments when you successfully set a boundary or felt more confident asserting your needs.


​
Final Thoughts: Reclaiming your autonomy

Growing up with boundary-challenging parents can leave deep-rooted patterns that affect adult relationships and self-perception. But through patience, self-awareness, and mindful boundary-setting, it’s possible to break these patterns and build a secure and assertive sense of self. By recognising your worth, validating your feelings, and setting clear boundaries, you’re reclaiming the autonomy that may have been overlooked in childhood.

Building assertiveness and security is a journey, but each boundary you set creates a stronger foundation for authentic relationships and a more empowered self. Remember, the act of prioritising yourself and your well-being is a powerful step towards healing and growth. With time, practice, and self-compassion, you can create a life that honours your needs and respects your boundaries.