Who Am I Really? Heal Your Self-Concept & Rebuild Self-Worth

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Why do I never feel good enough?” or “Who even am I anymore?” These aren’t just passing thoughts, they often reflect a deeper disconnection from your self-concept, the internal story you carry about who you are, how you relate to others, and what you're worth.

As a humanistic counsellor, I frequently support clients who feel lost in their own identity, stuck between who they think they should be and who they truly are. 

This blog offers an in-depth but compassionate look at self-concept, grounded in the theories of Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow. It’s written for anyone seeking clarity, healing, and self-understanding, whether you’re in therapy or just beginning to explore your inner world.


What is Self-Concept?
At its core, self-concept is your answer to the question, “Who am I?” It’s the lens through which you see yourself, made up of the beliefs, experiences, roles, and messages you've absorbed throughout life.

Your self-concept forms gradually, beginning in childhood, shaped by family, culture, school, friendships, media, and personal experiences. By adulthood, many of us carry around a well-established identity, but not necessarily a helpful or accurate one.

Carl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychology, proposed that self-concept is made up of three main components:

1. Self-Image: How you see yourself
Your self-image is the descriptive portrait you hold in your mind about who you are: your personality, appearance, abilities, social roles, and perceived shortcomings.

Think of it as the "I am..." statements:
 “I’m a good listener.”
 “I’m bad with money.”
 “I’m not smart enough.”
 “I’m the ‘fixer’ in my family.”

Self-image is powerful, not because it’s always true, but because we believe it’s true. And often, our self-image is shaped more by how others saw or treated us than by our authentic self.

Example: A child repeatedly told they’re “too sensitive” may grow up seeing emotional openness as a flaw, carrying shame for something that’s actually a strength.

Therapeutic Insight: In counselling, it’s common for clients to realise their self-image is outdated or inherited, built on criticism, trauma, or misaligned relationships rather than truth. Rewriting this narrative is a key part of self-growth.

2. Ideal Self: Who you think you should be
Your ideal self is the version of you that you believe you ought to be, often shaped by internalised expectations, cultural standards, or perfectionism.

It includes:

• Who you want to be (more confident, more attractive, more “together”)
• Who you think others want you to be (a better parent, partner, or professional)
• Who you think you should be by now (“I should have it figured out”)

The greater the gap between your self-image and your ideal self, the more likely you are to feel inadequate or like a failure, a state Rogers called incongruence.

Example: Someone may see themselves as anxious, but their ideal self is someone who’s always calm and in control. That mismatch can create daily inner tension and shame.

Therapeutic Insight: Often, our ideal self is based on unrealistic or externally imposed standards. In therapy, we explore whether your “shoulds” are truly aligned with your values, or if they’re echoes of past pressure or unprocessed wounds.

3. Self-Esteem: How much you value yourself
Self-esteem is your overall sense of worth, how much you believe you matter, how deserving you feel of love and respect, and how resilient you are when things go wrong.

Low self-esteem isn’t always loud or obvious. It can show up in subtle ways:

• Over-apologising
• Avoiding conflict or visibility
• Shrinking your needs to avoid “being a burden”
• Feeling like you need to earn rest, care, or affection

Self-esteem is often fragile when it's built on conditional approval, praise only when you succeed, love only when you behave a certain way, attention only when you're useful.

Example: A client who learned “I’m only lovable when I’m helpful” may grow into an adult who burns out constantly, saying yes to everything, and resenting it.

Therapeutic Insight: True self-esteem grows when we experience unconditional acceptance, both from others and from ourselves. Therapy can be a powerful mirror for this: being seen, heard, and valued without needing to perform or justify.


How early childhood shapes your Self-Concept
Our self-concept doesn't appear out of nowhere; it starts forming in childhood, often without us realising it. The messages we received from caregivers, teachers, and early environments lay the foundation for how we see ourselves well into adulthood.

1. Attachment and Safety
If your emotional needs were met consistently as a child, you likely developed a secure attachment, a foundation for self-worth, confidence, and emotional resilience.

But if you experienced inconsistency, criticism, or emotional neglect, you might have internalised the belief: “I’m only lovable if I…”, be good, stay quiet, take care of others, etc.

2. Messages from Caregivers
Even well-meaning adults can unintentionally shape a fragile self-concept:
“Stop crying, you’re being dramatic.”  - My feelings aren’t valid.
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” -  I’m not enough.
“You’re so clever!” (only when achieving) -  I must always succeed to be valued.

These early “conditions of worth” as Carl Rogers described them, become internal rules we live by, often long after they stop serving us.

3. Identity and Role Assignment
Children often get labelled early on: “the responsible one”, “the troublemaker”, “the sensitive one”. Over time, these roles can become part of our self-image, limiting who we believe we’re allowed to be.

Therapeutic Insight: In counselling, we revisit these early narratives, not to place blame, but to understand and untangle them. Once you recognise where your self-beliefs came from, you gain the power to rewrite them with compassion and choice.


Carl Rogers: Realness, Congruence, and Psychological Growth
Carl Rogers believed that when people are accepted and understood without judgement, they naturally move towards growth, authenticity, and emotional health. He called this the actualising tendency, an innate drive to become who we truly are.

Three key ideas from Rogers’ theory are especially helpful in therapy:

1. Congruence
Congruence is the state of being real, honest, and internally aligned. It means your thoughts, feelings, actions, and self-image all reflect the same truth.

Example: If you’re heartbroken but telling everyone “I’m fine,” you’re living in incongruence. Over time, this emotional split can lead to stress, numbness, or even physical symptoms.

In therapy, congruence is about helping you:

• Tell the truth about how you feel
• Express your needs without shame
• Move from survival mode to realness

Therapeutic insight: Healing starts when your inner voice becomes louder than the voice of old conditioning. Congruence isn’t about being perfect,  it’s about being whole.

2. Unconditional Positive Regard
Unconditional positive regard means being accepted and valued simply for existing, not because of what you achieve, fix, or give. Rogers believed this was essential for people to thrive.

Unfortunately, many of us grew up with conditions of worth:

• “I’m only lovable if I succeed.”
• “I’m only accepted when I’m easy to be around.”
• “My feelings make people uncomfortable.”

Therapeutic insight: When a person is met with warmth and non-judgement, especially in moments of messiness or vulnerability. They begin to internalise a new truth: I don’t have to earn my worth.

3. The Fully Functioning Person (Living Authentically)
Rogers described a psychologically healthy person as one who:

• Trusts their inner experience
• Is open to change
• Makes choices based on inner truth, not pressure
• Lives in the present, not the past

This isn’t a “destination”, it’s a way of being in the world that can evolve over time. And it begins with knowing and accepting who you already are.


Maslow and the drive toward Self-Actualisation
While Rogers focused on acceptance and emotional congruence, Abraham Maslow zoomed out to look at human potential more broadly. His Hierarchy of Needs is often visualised as a pyramid. At the base are basic needs like food and safety. At the top is self-actualisation, the realisation of your fullest self: creative, purposeful, deeply alive.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:

• Physiological – food, rest, health
• Safety – security, stability, predictability
• Love/Belonging – connection, acceptance, intimacy
• Esteem – respect, recognition, self-worth
• Self-Actualisation – creativity, authenticity, meaning

Therapeutic insight: Self-esteem and self-concept can't flourish if the emotional foundation is shaky. Trying to "be your best self" while neglecting your safety, connection, or worth is like trying to build a house on sand.

Maslow and Rogers both saw the human being not as a diagnosis, but as someone seeking meaning, connection, and integrity, someone who already holds the seeds of healing within.


Why Self-Concept matters for Mental Health
A distorted or wounded self-concept is often the root of:

• Anxiety and imposter syndrome
• People-pleasing and burnout
• Perfectionism and procrastination
• Depression and emotional numbness
• Feeling like you’re “never enough” no matter how hard you try

On the other hand, a grounded, compassionate self-concept leads to:

• Clearer boundaries
• Healthier relationships
• Inner confidence
• Emotional resilience
• A sense of peace with who you are, and who you're becoming

How to build a healthier Self-Concept: Tools that work
1. Unpack your Self-Image
Ask yourself:

• Where did this belief come from?
• Is it based on truth or someone else’s opinion?
• Who benefits when I stay small?

Tip: Notice your inner language. If your self-image is full of harsh labels, it may need an update, not just intellectually, but emotionally.

2. Meet the inner critic with curiosity
Instead of trying to silence your inner critic, try asking:

• What is this voice trying to protect me from?
• Whose voice does this sound like?

Practice: When the thought “I’m useless” arises, try: “That’s an old voice. I’m learning. I don’t need to be perfect to be worthy.”

3. Reconnect with your Ideal Self, on your terms
Not all aspirations are bad, but check that they’re rooted in your values, not shame or societal pressure.
Reflect:

• What do I admire in others?
• What kind of person do I feel proud to be?
• Is this goal rooted in self-love or fear?

4. Surround yourself with affirming relationships
The people you spend time with reinforce your self-concept. Seek those who:

• Accept you as you are
• Encourage your growth
• Don’t shame your needs or emotions

Therapy can be the first space where this kind of acceptance is truly experienced.

5. Let go of fixed labels
You are not your diagnosis. Not your job title. Not your trauma.

Try this shift: Instead of “I am anxious,” try “I experience anxiety.”

This creates space between you and the label, and makes room for change.

Final Thought: You Are Not Broken, You’re Becoming
Your self-concept isn’t fixed, it’s fluid, responsive, and capable of transformation. You are not the sum of your past, nor are you defined by a fixed set of labels. By embracing yourself with honesty and compassion, you begin to rewrite your inner story.

In counselling, we explore who you’ve been, who you are, and who you could become, all through a lens of unconditional positive regard. If you're looking for support on this journey of self-discovery and healing, know that the only thing you need to “fix” is your understanding of your worth.

Take the First Step
If you’re interested in exploring these ideas further and working on your self-concept, I invite you to reach out for a consultation. Together, we can work on building the healthy self-image, ideal self, and self-esteem that you deserve.

George Fortune Counselling
Humanistic counsellor